


Book Of Shadowy Thoughts

by JustAChemical



Series: Teen Wolf/Buffy & Angel (Verse 1) [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe, Animal Transformation, Break Up, Character Death, Coming Out, Dark Magic, Death, Demons, Diary/Journal, Drama, Falling In Love, Female Liam Dunbar, Female Stiles Stilinski, Friendship, Good and Evil, Growing Up, Heartache, High School, Human Deucalion, Human Liam Dunbar, Human Scott McCall (Teen Wolf), Magic, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Multi, Personal Growth, Relationship(s), Slayer Kira Yukimura, Slayer Stiles Stilinski, Spells & Enchantments, Teen Angst, True Love, Vampire Derek Hale, Vampire Theo Raeken, Vampires, Warlocks, Watcher Deucalion, Werewolf Jackson Whittemore, Werewolves, Witch Cora Hale, Witch Kate Argent, Witch Lydia Martin, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 57
Words: 24,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27423874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAChemical/pseuds/JustAChemical
Summary: Inside the mind of one of the most powerful Wiccans ever: Lydia Martin.An extra point of view: set years before and leading up to "After The Hellmouth."
Relationships: Cora Hale/Lydia Martin, Liam Dunbar & Lydia Martin, Lydia Martin & Scott McCall, Lydia Martin & Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin/Jackson Whittemore, Lydia Martin/Scott McCall
Series: Teen Wolf/Buffy & Angel (Verse 1) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999555
Kudos: 4





	1. June 15, 1998

**Author's Note:**

> You should probably read "After The Hellmouth" before you read this, it's up to you though. But you don't really have to read this to understand the main story, I'm just having fun with it.
> 
> These are the words of another, passed onto you through me; that is the only credit I should receive here.
> 
> &
> 
> ::Paige Krasikeva is supposed to be Cordelia Chase.  
> &  
> :: Cora Hale is supposed to be Tara Maclay.
> 
> &
> 
> Most of these chapters are quite short.

I've never been good at keeping journals; the last time I tried was in second grade and I stopped after Scott found it and asked why I had scribbled "Lydia McCall" all over the back cover. But with Stiles gone, Derek dead and everyone still kind of reeling, I could use a place to write things down.

Ever since I tried to do the ritual to restore Derek's soul, I've felt... Different. I can't really put my finger on exactly how, but sometimes, when my mind is drifting as I wait to fall asleep, I'll suddenly feel something tugging at the edges of my consciousness.

Deucalion called my house the other day (and if you think he's all British and polite in person, you should really hear him over the phone). He asked me how I had been feeling and I almost told him that he had been right: attempting the Ritual of Restoration had opened a door. I mean, maybe not a full-sized door, but definitely a pet-sized slot of some kind. But then I remembered that the spell was a big, fat fail and it felt crazy to complain about side effects when the main event was such a bust.

I've decided that I'm just going to keep the whole witchcraft weirdness thing to my chest for a while and go do a little research first.

I borrowed some books from the Sunnydale High library and have been checking out some of the sites that Miss Calendar used to visit. Besides, what else am I going to do? My best friend is missing, Scott is still being gross with Paige and in between summer school, the band, gigs and getting all wolfy, Jackson hasn't had that much time to hang.

Most of all, though, I can't stop thinking that if I'd done the research earlier, if I'd spent more time going over Miss Calendar's spells and notes, if I had been a full-on Witch rather than an amateur - then maybe the ritual would have worked and Stiles wouldn't have left town, maybe now we would all be hanging out at The Bronze, talking about how Derek is coping with not being evil anymore...

So, this is NOT going to be a journal. It's going to be my Book of Shadowy Thoughts. And perhaps, a Grimoire.

And if Stiles comes back - PLEASE, Stiles, come back! - I will be stronger, better.


	2. November 24, 1998

Stiles came back to Sunnydale a few months ago.

At first it was weird. I mean, there was the whole reanimated zombie party that we ended up hosting, but also... I spent all summer waiting for her to come back and when she finally did, all I felt was angry that she had left.

We've talked a little and it feels better, but I still don't know that everything is back to normal. There are some things I just don't know how to tell her. Like, how after years of hoping that Scott would finally look at me and say, "Hey, Lyds! You're not just handy with a math equation, you're also a girl, with girl parts and a girl face and girl lips that I would really like to kiss," that it's finally actually happened.

Scott (the guy who fell in love with a praying mantis woman, a mummy girl, a reptile girl and an unavailable Slayer girl, and absolutely worst of all; the mean cheerleader girl) has decided that he would now like to date the "always-there-in-a-pinch" best friend girl. He couldn't have figured this out before I had a cool guitarist werewolf boyfriend? One whose stoicism is matched only by his generosity in themed Pez dispensers?

Oh, and have I mentioned that the four of us - Scott and Paige, Jackson and I - are all supposed to go bowling on a double date?

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasised about what Paige's face might look like if she caught Scott and I kissing. There we are, all standing by the water fountain and I'm leaning over to take a drink and suddenly, she and Scott are standing behind me. Paige starts to open her dumb and snarky mouth to say something, but before she can say her usual, "Wow, Lydia, I didn't know corduroys came in such a rainbow of vomit-inducing colours" or "Hey, Lydia, make sure to say hi to Betsey at the Slavation Army the next time you're there!" - Scott grabs me and kisses me passionately, not caring even a little that my lips still taste like Sunnydale High's funky water supply.

(Also, I should state that I have normal, non fountain-themed fantasies, too. Like homecoming! I have TOTALLY normal homecoming fantasies, where everything tastes like punch instead...)

BUT this CAN'T happen!!!

I like Jackson. Like, I really, really like him. And he likes me. He tells me so, all the time. He's sweet like that. And he sees me as I am, has done right from the start. And not just because I'm suddenly dating someone else and can't have me.

These Scott feelings have to go away.

I'm a little nervous about trying a love spell, but I've looked over Scott's notes (that I made him jot down) on Kate's magick and it's very clear that her intent was about as pure as... A super-impure thing.

Seriously though, I truly do want these feelings to go away before we end up hurting anybody (even stupid, mean Paige).


	3. January 12, 1999

Stiles' birthday is coming up and she's worried that it's going to be like all her other birthdays since becoming the Slayer and end very badly. I tried to reassure her that this one was going to be the normalest of normal, boring even - after all, I told her, so much has already happened with Theo taking me hostage, Paige getting hurt pretty badly, Scott and I realising that we didn't actually want to date one another and be together in that way and that whole First Evil entity thingy trying to get Derek to kill himself (again).

However, between you and I... I'm pretty sure she's cursed.

The other night, on patrol, she discovered the bodies of two young children. Even worse, it happened to be the one night that Noah decided to tag along, weirdly.

Noah... He's taking it hard. The entire town of Sunnydale is taking it hard. I mean, that is a good thing. That is the appropriate response to, you know, the whole murdering-of-small-children thing.

Every time I see the photos of those kids in the newspapers or bulletins boards, I have to go through the list of people we've saved since Stiles came to town to stop from curling up into a tiny ball.

But for a town that has a tendency to say, "Gee! Another spontaneous neck rupture! Who'd have thunk it?!" - this feels... Strange. They even held a candlelight vigil at the town hall last night, where Mayor Wilkins gave a speech.

But the weirdest thing? My mom attended. Somehow, this pulled Natalie "I Would But I Have A Paper Up For Review Next Month" Martin out of her study. The first time I ever came home from school crying because of Paige being mean to me, she barely managed to hand me a tissue, then asked me if I could give her a rough estimate of what percentage of our student body had ever experienced adolescent bullying. She's never really been Miss Let Me Show You My Parental Concern.

Tonight, when we were driving home after the vigil, a part of me wanted to tell her everything. Like, how I've been practicing witchcraft. Or about how I'm dating an amazing (and thankfully very forgiving) musician who is also a sweet werewolf and how for the first time in my life, I'm beginning to feel comfortable being Lydia.

But then, she started talking about how, my friend "Stella" was evidencing the typical microaggressions of a girl without any stable female role model.

Yawn.


	4. January 26, 1999

Here's a fun question: how does one celebrate facing their third apocalypse?

I mean, everybody knows that the first apocalypse (the Master) is the paper one. And the second apocalypse (Acathla) is wood. But what's number three? Crystal? Cynicism? Good old-fashioned panic?

Deucalion let us know that the Sisterhood of Jhe lady demons we fought the other day in the sewers, are not part of a friendly demon book club, but members of an apocalyptic cult, who have figured out how to open the Hellmouth under the school library.

Ugh! I still have nightmares about the first time the Hellmouth spawn popped out its five heads, when Stiles was busy fighting the Master. I am REALLY not looking forward to seeing it or its slimy tentacles all over again.

This time round, though, I know I can be of more help. Deucalion and I are working on the binding spell that will drive the spawn back into the darkness below. Stiles, Derek and Kira are all preparing for the fight of their lives.

The other day, when I was coming out of the magic shop with all the ingredients, I ran into Scott and almost cracked and told him what was going on. But Stiles is right: with Scott's track record as some kind of demony magnet, he's better off if he's far away from it all.


	5. February 23, 1999

Someone should really make a 'Dos and Don'ts' list for beginner Witches. I mean, I know there's the whole "I will live every day in 'Dignity, Courage, Honor and Truth'" thing, but there could also be some practical basics.

For example, maybe:

• If a strange girl, named Allison approaches you in the school hallway and asks you to do a spell to find her lost necklace, just (and I can't emphasize this enough) say; "NO!"

\- And speaking of "saying no," here's another thing that I should have nixed when I had the chance:

• Writing Greenberg's history papers for him.

Sadly, I didn't "just say no," because apparently that's not something Lydia Martin is capable of, that's not the type of person she is. No, instead, Pushover People-Pleaser Lydia Martin does other people's homework (people that wouldn't even know she existed otherwise) and let's ex-demon people trick her into doing spells that are CLEARLY not as advertised.

When it became clear to me that Allison's spell wasn't just about bringing back a missing piece of jewelry, I immediately stood up and got the hell out of there - and it felt good. And I'm still not sure exactly what the spell was supposed to do, other than give me a sneaky little peek into what can only be described as a living Hell. 

But I'm gonna write down what we did, just in case.

(Note: I wasn't sure about the chicken feet; I just brought them to her as a sort of spell-warming gift... Obviously, I'm still working on the ins and outs of Witchly etiquette... Wait, you know what? Etiquette be damned! New Lydia eschews all spell-warming gifts! She will just show up at all your spell sessions and eat all of your mystical snacks).

+

Okay, I'm back.

It's still today.

\- Never mind about that whole entry from before; it turns out that Allison's spell DID bring something over from another fricking dimension! It's just that that something was less of a magical necklace and more of an evil, fanged out vampire version of me... Literally. And might I add; who wore a VERY restricted bustier.

Vampire Me certainly wasn't a pushover, but she also had some issues (don't we all?) One, including being entirely demented. As expected of (most) vampires, really.

Still... I can't deny that the girl knew exactly how to get results.

After she threatened him at The Bronze, Greenberg wrote his last two history papers himself. He even printed out an extra copy and gave it to me personally, along with a perfectly delicious green apple.

I mean, it's insane. And now, I'm kind of terrified about the quality of education I'm receiving, given that he got a C+ on it. And frankly - and I'm NOT exaggerating here - an eight year old could have done a tremendously better job. But I am proud of him, because he actually did it himself and weirdly, he also seems grateful that I - that Vampire Me gave him "the ass-kicking" he needed. His words and yes, she literally kicked his ass, I hear.

Maybe there is a nice midway point between Fluffy Pushover Lydia and Scary Dominatrix Vampire Lydia - one who stands up for herself and eats bananas whenever she wants... And maybe doesn't kill so many people... Or any poeple at all...

(Note: I learned something "interesting" from Deucalion the other day: "There were Witches in the Middle Ages who used to bottle up their saliva to give to other Witches as one of the deepest symbols of friendship and trust." Yes, he's clearly a big hit at all the parties he's probably never even been to).


	6. March 16, 1999

We've learned that Kira has teamed up with Mayor Wilkins to form a big and mean (and weirdly cheerful and creepily smiley) team on the evil side. - I never trusted her from the get-go! ...Well, okay, MAYBE I did a little bit in the beginning when I was seduced by her awesome alligator-demon naked wrestling stories. But after that? Meh, not so much a fan of the newest Slayer.

We knew that she was hanging on by a thread after she accidentally killed the Deputy Mayor, but I don't think any of us expected her to go THIS far.

Now, she's helping the Mayor prepare for something called "The Ascension."

Naturally, I've been hitting the books with Deucalion all week long, but we still don't know all of the details - (thanks to Stiles and Derek playing mind-games with Kira in order to trick her into blabbing what little we do know) and what little we DO know is just that it's going to happen on Graduation Day and that the Mayor is going to turn into something -

1\. Less human than the half-breed demons that walk the modern world and -

2\. Something absolutely less than fun.

In order to do so, he's going to eat whatever it was in the box that showed up at the docks the other day.

We're going to try to perform "the Breath of the Atropxy" on whatever's inside that creepy box - I'm assuming some sort of dose of demon gummy vitamins - but first, I'm going to need to remove any and all magickal protections. Unfortunately, that's kind of an up-close-and-personal process. So, while we're doing that at City Hall, Scott and Jackson are going to be working The Breath mojo in the library. I've left them both very clear and precise instructions, but I'm still a little nervous.

Speaking of things making me nervous... Yesterday, the last of my college acceptance letters finally arrived. I got into every one I applied to - including Harvard, Oxford and M.I.T.

However... When I started to think about what my life would be like if I went ahead to any of those places, I just couldn't imagine any part of it. A part of me (I knew) didn't even want to imagine it.

How could I just move away and take Introduction to Philosophy of Literature of the Cretaceous Period like none of it ever even happened?

Like I didn't even know that there was a Hellmouth in California just waiting to burst open at every moment?

That I'd left Scott and Stiles and Deucalion and Jackson behind on the front-lines?

...I guess I shouldn't even worry about it, really. About anything at all.

After all, this could well be a whole lot of moot, pending the Ascension.

I'll let you know if we don't all die on Graduation Day...


	7. October 26, 1999

(Note: the pages I managed to grab - steal - of the "Books of Ascension.")

Nothing like getting kidnapped by an evil Mayor-Slayer combo to give a girl a little clarity.

On the other hand, it helped me decide that I belong in Sunnydale, fighting the good fight with my friends, while proudly attending U.C. Sunnydale, a school that the "U.S. News & World Report" ranked only slightly better than sitting in your family's basement and taking online courses called "Make Money Writing From Home!!!"

On the other hand, it made it very clear how unprepared we all are for Graduation Day.

I saw the kind of magick that the Mayor is involved with and I felt a dark power emanating from the Books of Ascension in the brief hour I managed to steal with them. It made removing wards and tapping into telekinetic forces to get all stabby on one of the Mayor's vampire goons with a fricking pencil seem like a breeze. (Usually, I have to focus real hard just to levitate an object).

But I still don't know how to fix Kate.

The other day, I (already) started to think of her as just a rat, instead of the actual human(/Witch) she was only a few moonlights ago.

This morning, while looking for any magicks to stop The Ascension, I came across a spell for talking with ferns to help them grow. There was a footnote about how someone had once used the spell to turn their favourite fern into a human companion and I thought there might be a way to adapt it so that I could turn Kate back... But all it did was give her even longer and more lustrous rat whiskers.

I have to figure out how to act when Jackson gets here - in typical Jackson style; he said he would just come to hang with me like he usually does. But with what's looming around the corner for everyone, is that even possible?

I feel like we all need to be doing some kind of bucket list. But I hate the outdoors and Jackson once told me that he spends most of his movie watching hours just listening to the soundtracks and reworking them in his head.

Say, what's a good date night idea when you've already gone to prom together, but maybe only have just two more days to live?

(Note: Allison says it's sex. Typical.)


	8. Wheel Of The Year & The Sabbats

Last year, I didn't appreciate any Witchy holidays and here we are now, at Samhain and I almost missed it all over again. If I'm really going to get over this plateau and make others respect my powers, I have to buckle down and get into the spirit of things.

So consider this my own personal guide to the Sabbats.

(I'm still trying to figure out which one is the one where I'm supposed to go to the movies and eat Chinese food).

• SAMHAIN:  
Witch's New Year. Celebrated from October 31 to November 1. A time of death and rebirth. Good time to shed old habits and attitudes. Ideal time for banishing spells and for making offerings to ancestors who have passed as the seen and unseen worlds collide.

• AUTUMN EQUINOX (or MABON):  
The last spoke on the Wheel of The Year. Honors abundance, but from a place of reflection. (Admittedly, after a while, the festivals all seem the same).

•LUGHNASSAD (or LAMMAS):  
Lugh was said to be the older and wiser personification of the God Beil. Celebrated around the annual point when wheat would be harvested. A time for bread and beer (just not the kind of beer that turned Stiles into a cave woman that one time). There's even an old ritual where a bean is added to the bread dough and whosoever gets the bean will be granted one wish (just not a vengeance wish from Allison or her "fun" demon friends).

• YULE (or WINTER SOLSTICE):  
Occurs on shortest day of the year, in the northern hemisphere. Represents a time of renewal and hope. Consider spells with pine-based ingredients, which is often used to ward off any illnesses (especially in this time). Pine is also associated with Dionysus... (So, super appropriate for anyone attending U.C. Sunnydale).

• BRIGID'S DAY (or IMBOLIC):  
Brigid; also referred to as "Lady of The Flame" or "Goddess of The Heart" was a beloved Celtic Goddess of healing, smithscraft and poetry. Celebrated in early February. Honours the divine powers of inspiration.

• SPRING EQUINOX (or OSTARA):  
Takes its name from a German fertility Goddess. This Sabbat was "nabbed" by the Christians and turned into Easter. It's about the triumph of life over death and finding balance, equality and harmony. A good time for plant spells.

• BELTANE:  
A Sabbat to honor the God Beil. Another time to do magick that encourages fertility and a bountiful harvest. On this day (usually May 1), there will probably be a whole lot of sexy-time going on around the Maypole. Or quad. (Whatever is more appropriate for your situation).

& finally -

• SUMMER SOLSTICE:  
Celtic Pagan mythology depicts this as the end of the Oak King's reign as he is overrun by the Holly King, who is said to preside over the waning part of the year. A Sabbat to celebrate the bounty of Mother Nature. Can boost spells seeking abundance and wealth. Earth spirits are said to be out in greater force. (Note: So, if you ever wanted to magickically dial a fae's number, maybe do it around this time).


	9. October 31, 1999

They should have just said, "Come Join the U.C. Sunnydale Group for People Who Bake Cakes and Bought Incense One Time" on their stupid fliers instead! Well, the campus Wicca Group seem to be lacking the actual "Wicca" part of it.

Last week, I made the mistake of asking the "Wicca Group" how everyone was planning on celebrating Samhain and was immediately met with fifteen blank stares.

So, I decided to make my own Samhain. A Samhain for uno.

From the uninitiated, it might have looked a lot like going home to sit alone in your bedroom, while your stupid boyfriend goes to see his new band girlfriend: Veruca - his favourite Shirley Manson wannabe - at one of her stupid gigs. (No bitterness, at all, as you can tell...)

If I was a part of a real Wicca Coven, we would have all danced around in a circle with drums and tambourines to honor the Horned God as the harvest ends and the winter season begins. But since it's slightly depressing to wear a horned helmet and talk to yourself (or so I've been told) and since I'm all out of cattle to bring down a mountain to slaughter this year, I thought it might be cool to take advantage of the weakened veil between the dead and the living to focus on divination.

\- I tried a basic scrying ritual with a crystal ball and... It worked. Although, I haven't been able to make head nor tails of what appeared...  
A white shirt covered in blood, a jagged tower bursting from the earth and a flash of myself with black hair and black eyes...

Not sure what any of it actually means - beware of bad fashion choices? I dunno.

It felt eerie, though... Like a warning, maybe.


	10. November 9, 1999

Veruca is a werewolf.

Jackson slept with Veruca...

...I've been staring at those two sentences for the last sixteen minutes, surrounded by ingredients that I've pulled out of the chest by my bed.

Stiles said that I should put the blame where it belongs, but there are two names in those sentences.

How could I have been so fricking stupid? Sitting next to him, all those nights at The Bronze, asking him questions about the music when he was wrapped up in a web of werewolf attraction, wanting her more than he wanted me...

Dumbass Lydia, couldn't possibly understand. So instead of just explaining what was happening, he let me find them together, naked, on the floor of his stupid wolfy cage. And then, he had the nerve to tell me that he knows how it feels like, because once upon a time he caught me KISSING Scott (when I thought we were both going to fricking die!)

So, now, I want them BOTH to feel as broken as I feel. I want their stupid hearts to wither. For them to feel low and unwanted and full of hate...

I've never done a hex before, but I've read a lot about them, I've studied them hard. And I KNOW I have the power to do it.


	11. November 30, 1999

*sighs*

I couldn't go through with the hex on Jackson. I got to the part of the spell where I was supposed to burn a photo of him and I just couldn't do it. The final ingredients were floating and ready to pour, but I saw that little half-smile in the photo and I just couldn't.

I wish I had... (I don't mean that). Not really. He saved my life. Saved me from Veruca... But then, he left, left town before we had a chance to talk about anything.

Now, he's gone and all that's left are all these words I'll never get to say to him and a crappy jagged cloud of anger that builds and builds and builds in my stupid chest. I don't even have any of his things; I went to visit his room the other day and everything was gone. He's just... Gone.

My friends (bless them) try to help, but they don't understand. Beside the fact that Derek may have left Stiles, but he never cheated on her, Stiles, as of late is high on her flirting sprees with Jordan and Scott and Allison have... Whatever it is they have going on.

And while there's a big part of me that's super happy for them both - that part just sits in the back of my brain, while this other Lydia (a Lydia who is rather bitter and sad and ripped in half) drinks too much and lashes out at everyone.

They all keep saying to "give it time." But what they don't understand is that right now, it feels like I don't have time (not to sound so dramatic here). It feels like this feeling is trying to kill me. Literally.

Given that my emotions are all over the place, I'm not going to do a love spell. I found a "will-enacting" spell in Witchcraft that I can adopt for my purposes. I don't want to be indefinite - I've tweaked the ingredients and have designed an exit incantation, so I'll just say, "It is my will that my heart be healed" and then, poof! I'll be back to normal again and everyone will stop looking at me like I'm about to go off in the deep end.


	12. December 15, 1999

Blessed fricking be! - there's another Witch in the Wicca Group. Her name is Cora and she started attending a few weeks ago.

She never really says much, so I didn't realise that she had actual power until things got a little bit life-and-deathy the other night when the Hellmouth coughed up its latest monsters of the week: "The Gentlemen." They came to town, stole everyone's voices and tried to take seven hearts, but Stiles was able to make their heads explode by screaming at the top of her lungs. Before she did, though, they managed to corner Cora and I in Stevenson.

I thought we were goners. There I was, cowering on the floor of the laundry room with a sprained ankle, desperately trying to move a vending machine when I haven't been able to move anything heavier than a pencil, despite working at it for months on end. Suddenly, I felt her fingers thread through my own, followed by a pleasant rush of warmth that I can only describe as light travelling through her palm and into mine. And when I looked at the vending machine again, I not only knew that it would move, I felt the power rush out from my entire body.

No spell I ever did with Kate felt anything close to that...

Cora says that she's been practicing magick ever since she was little and yet she acts like I am the powerful, advanced one. (It probably helps that she wasn't around for last week's "Hey, you're blind! Hey, you're imperiled! Hey, you're engaged to your mortal enemy!" magickal rock bottom... I'm starting to run out of recipes for guilt cookies. I should also probably ditch the talisman that D'Hoffryn gave me for wreaking so much havoc, right? I mean, I really don't ever wanna be a vengeance demon).

Cora's coming over today after classes to work on some exercises for channeling and sharing energies. My books say that the more I practice with a Witch buddy, the easier it will be to borrow one another's power and to draw power from other people or even objects around me.

For the first time since Jackson left, it feels like there's something to look forward to.


	13. February 8, 2000

Here's an interesting development - Jordan, our mild-mannered Psychology T.A. and supposedly "normal" candidate for Stiles' dating life, has turned out to be one of the commando guys that we've seen lurking about, zapping demons and vampires. I gotta say - Stiles' ability to romantically hone in on the weirdo fish in the even weirder Sunnydale sea remains elegantly on point.

According to Jordan, the commando guys are part of an organisation called "The Initiative" - which is lead by the one and only Professor Walsh. (I don't know if this makes me more or less accepting of the fact that we're all still waiting to get our midterm papers back...)

They've been enthusiastic about bringing Stiles aboard their operation, but I still think we should just be a little wary. You know that I'm usually the first person in line to say, "Yay, science!" But there's something very take-no-prisoners about their attitude that makes me a little uneasy.

Just look at Theo. They put some kind of electric chip in his head and now, he can't bite anyone, not even if they are wearing their most attractive paisley blouse and are having a very good hair day...

Obviously, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing - that he can't attack innocent humans anymore - but what exactly was the point of this? Why not just kill him and get him out of the way?

There's something that we're not being told here.

I'm about to go over to Deucalion's place. Apparently, The Initiative shot Theo with a tracker and are on their way to collect him. If I can do a spell to disrupt the signal, it will buy us more time to figure out which side we should actually fight on.

(Funny thing about this spell - you'd think it was designed with beacon interference in mind, but it actually dates from the late nineteenth century. This guy just really hated Edison. Witches are kind of a Luddite-y bunch... Which I should have guessed from looking at Deucalion, but still).


	14. February 15, 2000

I hate to say it, but I was right about there being something off with The Initiative.

Professor Walsh tried to have Stiles killed, because she was getting too close to discovering that the good professor has been cobbling together demon parts to create a Frankenstein super-soldier, which of course, ended up turning out to be a super-monster. Then, this morning, we also learned that the monster - Adam - turned out to be the one that killed the professor.

This means that not only is it time to move passed getting a grade back on that midterm paper - it's time to figure out how to pull on my big-Witch pants. Not just for the "being a hero" reasons, but also because I don't think we will all survive spending another night hiding in Scott's basement. It is a hellish pit of despair and I live in a fricking dormroom with a pet rat that used to be a human being.

Last night, while lying awake on my one third of Scott's so-called sofa-bed and listening to both Scott and Allison snore loudly, Deucalion squeak around on his air-bed and Stiles sleep-talking about "dead muffin people" (by the way, I really hope that has nothing to do with any of her prophetic Slayer dreams), I started thinking of all the spells that Cora and I had been doing and all the doors that have opened since she started helping me figure out my powers. For a long time, I've been thinking about how convenient it would be to have a spell that showed us where us where in Sunnydale the demons are hanging out so that Stiles can save time with her patrols.

And then, voilá!

It suddenly unfurled in my head, like a map I had forgotten was in the glovebox.

I need Cora's help with it, though and since she hasn't gotten back to me yet, I think I'll just head over to her room and see if I can catch her. I want to talk to her anyway - even though she acted like it was no big deal (she always acts like things are no big deal), I should have invited her to The Bronze the night.

I need to introduce her to the gang... It's just kind of hard to explain.

When I'm hanging out with her, I feel so calm and at peace and yet kind of nervous at the same time. She's helped me SO much - with magick, with getting over Jackson leaving, with being me again - that I kind of want to protect her from all of the crazy crap that comes from being best friends with the Slayer.

(Note: Stiles says I'm forgetting the "endearing sense of whimsy" and the "'I'll Punch Anyone In The Face For Free'" card that comes with being the Slayer's best friend).


	15. February 29, 2000

I finally did it: I introduced Cora to Stiles.

I wasn't planning on it - my intention had been to start with baby steps and take Cora to The Bronze on a low-key night. You know, just a normal friendly outing. An outing for friends who sometimes hold hands... I think it was a date. It was a date. It was a date with a girl and I don't really know how to feel about that so I'm just gonna whoosh right on passed it at very high speeds and get to the spell part.

Because as it turns out, I don't think I actually introduced Cora to Stiles...

For one thing: Stiles' outfit was rivaling Vampire Me's in the "I Love Leather" department. And two: she was kind of being a mega bitch.

Cora said that Stiles' energy was off, like it didn't match with her, grating and fragmented when there should be a kind of flow and suggested that we try an astral projection spell to see what kind of thing might be possessing or affecting her.

It worked.

I saw an image of Stiles, only she was surrounded by an eerie green light that kept making her flicker in and out. I saw her open her mouth to speak, but instead of words, only fire came out.

When I opened my eyes, Cora was leaning over me, her hair brushing my cheeks and for a second, I forgot where we were or what we were doing. She asked me what I had seen and when I told her, she leapt up and grabbed a book from her shelf.

She thinks it was done via a Draconian Katra spell, which can imbue an item with the power to let the holder switch bodies with another by clasping hands.

It HAS to be Kira. And it had to have happened the other night when she and Stiles were beating the crap out of one another.

It's not difficult to conjure. We just need to go to the magic shop in the morning and get a few ingredients...

Oh my, I think Cora is my girlfriend now...


	16. Jackson's Letter

February 9, 2000.

Found some monks in Tibet. It turns out that they really like Radiohead, which makes sense when you think about it, but also doesn't. They don't talk much, so I'm working on being less chatty.

One of their members is a werewolf, but he doesn't wolf out unless he wants to. He's been teaching me, helping me carve beads out of mountain ash, that I'll keep on me every full moon.

As I carve them, I meditate. It feels a lot like shop class, only on a mountain and with more gongs.

I miss you, Lydia...

I think of you as I carve. I'm supposed to think of things that keep me human and say:  
"I am calm. I am rooted."

When I'm done, I will string the beads on a line, like a rosary and carry them in my pocket, along with a monks-hood flower.

The New Moon is in a few days.

And then, we'll see if I can come back.

With you, always...


	17. May 2, 2000

Jackson came back.

There we are, having an uneventful meeting in Deucalion's apartment - Allison being difficult for the sake of being Allison, me basking in the fact that I've brought Cora and no one is acting like it's a weird thing - and suddenly, boom! Door opens and the ex-boyfriend enters the building.

Cora left before I could even try to stop her. I really didn't know what to say to her. I didn't even really know what to say to Jackson when he came to my dorm after.

We talked all night, just like we used to, but I wasn't able to figure out how to tell him that I have feelings for someone else. And after he left, I decided that I had to tell someone and in the face of Stiles' innocent "the prodigal boyfriend has returned" speech, it was easy to say, "No. It's complicated because of Cora."

Cora tried to be supportive, but I could tell that I had thrown her through a loop. I still kind of feel like I'm on that loop, as well.

Jackson is not the Jackson who left me, but I'm also not the same Lydia. It's easy to slip back into her skin when we're talking or when he touches me, but the longer I wear that skin, the more I feel it start to pinch me.

At some point, during our midnight talk, I changed the subject by telling him that I have been keeping this book as a record for everything. He showed me the Moleskine that he used on his travels; it made me smile to see that he had a habit of shoving pages in every which way (a lot like myself). I asked if I could have something from it and he tore out a page on how he first learned to resist the transformation during the full moon, saying that he didn't need it anymore.

After he left, I tried the chant on the torn-out page. It didn't work. I have no inner cool. Because deep inside, I know the truth - no matter what happens or what it means for my family and friends, I want to be with Cora. I want to be with Cora for as long as possible, because I think I'm falling in love with her...


	18. May 16, 2000

I wish that I could say that letting everyone know I was in a romantic relationship with Cora went perfectly, but it didn't. Not because of my friends, but because of a certain douchebag Vampire (who I personally think should have been staked a long, long time ago).

I should have known better than to trust anything that Theo says.

That's the thing about friendships, though - you think that they are strong and rock-solid, but then SOMEONE sweeps in and preys on your deepest fears and then, suddenly you're all at each other's throats and Deucalion is completely drunk upstairs on his landing, for some reason...

But it's fine. Stiles figured out that Theo is working with Adam and that his whispering in our ears was just a ploy to keep us all separated from one another so that Adam had the chance to corner Stiles alone.

That big old Frankenstein doesn't even know what's about to hit him - Scott, Deucalion and I think we've found a spell that we can use to finally beat him for good.

Deucalion says that the "Enjoining Spell" was created as a way to imbue a Slayer with the powers of her ancestors (her predecessors), particularly, the First Slayer. But he thinks that there's a way to tweak it so that we can get imbue-y with other attributes as well - our own attributes.

If the four of us can somehow sneak into The Initiative's underground base, we should be able to make it so that Stiles faces Adam as a lion-hearted (Scott), fountain of knowledge (Deucalion), magickal-having (moi) Super-Slayer.


	19. Stiles' Account On Things

::SUPER-SLAYER SUMERIAN SPELLS::

(Please let it be known that I did NOT tell Stiles to write this on the back of her Psychology assignment. - Lydia).

(Like I was going to get a passing grade in this class anyway. The professor tried to have me killed... Literally. - Stiles).

#

Lydia asked me to write down exactly what kind of magick the Super-Slayer version of me used in my fight with Adam. And since I'm carefree Big-Badless girl these days, I was like, "No problem!" After all, it's not every day that the Chosen One responsibilities involve no-nonsense paperwork. It's actually kind of refreshing.

Anyway, there I was, in the heart of The Initiative, facing down Adam and - I don't wanna say that I was losing, but I was... Not winning - but I had managed to break off his razor-sharp arm-skewer thing that he was always so fond of popping out and murdering people with. All that did, though, was encourage him to show off his new machine-gun-y arm. I ducked behind one of the control panels to escape the hail of bullets and when I came back up everything was all different...

I felt so strong. Stronger than I do being the Slayer. And not just physically strong - it was like I had eyes everywhere, like I knew exactly what to do, how to do it and when.

He hit me with another round of bullets, but (and I don't know how I remember this when I can barely speak French after years of studying) I said:

"Sha me en dan. Gesh toog me en dan. Zee me en dan. Oo khush ta me ool lee a ba ab tum mu do en."

I then, waved my hand and the bullets fell to my feet like Neo in the fricking Matrix! He tried a rocket launcher, but I said, "Kur!" while holding my hand up at it and it turned into a couple of white doves. Then, I did some weird wax-on, wax-off notion and his machine gun retracted back into his arm.

This time, when we walked up to each other to fight again, it was like I knew his moves before he did and he couldn't even touch me once. I grabbed his wrist like a rag-doll then proceeded to punch him repeatedly in the face. Then, I leaned back and gave him a roundhouse kick to the chest and he went flying.

His eyes were wide with shock and he was all like, "How can you -" but I cut him off with, "You can never hope to grasp the source of our power." Then, I flung him into the nearest wall and punched right into his chest. I grabbed his uranium battery thingy and yanked it right out and then, said, "But yours is right here." as he slowly slid to the floor.

Probably should have waited to kill him before I said that so that he could hear it, but it was all very Mortal Combat-y... With a character who has fabulous hair.

Of course, after it was all over and we finally got to kick back and watch a movie with some delicious buttery popcorn, the stupid jealous First Slayer tried to kill the four of us in our dreams (literally).

(Thank you, Stiles. That account was very... Entertaining. - Lydia).

(I know you're just being polite, but thank you. - Stiles).

(I've done a little research since Stiles gave me this very... Vivid account and as far as I can tell, all the spells that were used were variations on an ancient Sumerian "Spell of Peaceful Resistance." It calls on Enlil, King of The Gods, who is said to have given mankind all of the spells and incantations that the spirits of good and evil must obey. - Lydia).


	20. September 26, 2000

Things have been pretty slow in Sunnydale since we defeated Adam. Okay, that's not strictly true...

Dracula - yes, the real, not-quite-alive-but-actually-super-dreamy Dracula - showed up and put Stiles and Scott in his "thrall".

Come to think of it, I may need to reevaluate my bar for "pretty slow," as it's possible my perspective has been skewed by almost four years of dealing with the Hellmouth. I don't have a philosophy class this semester, but I ask: If something happens in Sunnydale and it doesn't involve an apocalypse or any big complicated spells requiring various difficult-to-acquire ingredients, did it ever truly even exist?

Stiles is still being hard on Lia for accidentally inviting a vampire into the Stilinkski household, so I've been trying to be extra nice to her these days. It must be hard being kid sister to the Slayer - I've had my fair share of standing in Stiles' shadow - but she's had to grow up with it. I know it sometimes bugs Stiles a lot that I always defend Lia, but I just can't help it. I have all this involuntary empathy; she reminds me of myself sometimes, with her odd facts and her eagerness to be a part of the "Scooby Gang".

I asked Lia if she wanted to try to do a spell with Cora and I, but she got all weird and said that she didn't think her dad was all that cool with Witchcraft - which is strange, because I always felt like Noah was very open-minded and supportive. It's probably a good thing, though - my magick is back to being at fifty-fifty or at least sixty-fourty.

(Not to mention that a bunch of monks took an ancient ball of mystical energy and turned it into me. But no worries. I realise it would have probably torn a philosophical hole in the Universe if someone noticed... You didn't think it was at all strange that I had never shown up in your journals until now? - Lia, 2003).

(I did think it was strange at the time... Eventually. Can we just chalk this one up to whatever magick to monks used? - Lydia, 2003).

(Okay. But try sharing a bathroom with the Stiles Shadow. It leaves wet towels lying around all over the place... - Lia, 2003).

(At least I wash those towels... Occasionally. - Stiles, 2003).

(Sorry, but where the hell are you all finding these towels!? Ever since the stupid potential Slayers moved in with us, towels have essentially become black market goods. I had to use a fricking oven mitt the other day. - Allison, 2003).

I tried yet another spell to turn Rat Kate back into Human Kate and obviously, it didn't work. Still, I think something happened. Since the Goddess Hecate hasn't been responding to being asked nicely to leave, I thought maybe we could try banishing her instead. But I forgot that black hellebore can also be used in spells to summon demons and incite aggression. And ever since I tried the spell, Rat Kate has been watching me and rubbing her little hands together, like she's silently plotting against me.

Cora said that if she starts squeaking about global domination, we should just hand her over to what remains of the U.C. Sunnydale Psychology Department. I know she was just joking, but... maybe I don't rule that one out just yet.


	21. October 10, 2000

Deucalion bought the magic shop and named it "The Magick Box"! I'm a little worried about him, given Sunnydale's high rate of magic shop ownership-related deaths throughout the years, but at the same time, it means that we'll soon be rolling in eyes of newts and various demon parts...

That's a horrible visual that I would like to immediately forget.

Moving on...

The other night, a Tothric demon (Toth) came after Stiles and tried to hit her with something called a "Ferula Gemini". And if it had hit her it would have split her into two separate Stileses - one who is purely a Slayer Stiles and the other, regular human Stiles.

However, instead of hitting Stiles with the spell (because she's the Slayer and obviously is awesome at dodging - I always hated that she was literally the best at dodgeball back in high school), but instead hit Scott with it. So, for a couple of days, there were two Scotts running around town. One's all fancy and good at everything and the other is... Well, more like Scott, but only if he woke up on the wrong side of a pile of stinky garbage. And I do mean that literally.

For a while there, both Scotts thought the other was an evil demon (yes, apparently there ARE good demons, too) and naturally, there was a SLIGHT misunderstanding between the two, where they tried to kill one another...

(Ahh, memories. I actually really miss that guy. - Scott, 2003).

They've sorted out their differences now (I'm not sure if I'm actually happy about that - two Scotts is one too much) and now, we're all getting ready for me to do a spell to put them back together.

To be honest, with this kind of sophisticated demon spell, it's really the initial magick that's doing all the work, so you don't need much more than a simple statement and a moderately talented Witch to bring a little order back to the Universe.

Although, given the number of recent spells that have gone a little wonky on me, I don't actually know that I'm going to be super forthright about how easy this one will be. I could use a mark in the "I Did A Spell And None Of My Friends Suffered Terribly!" column.

I told Deucalion to draw a pentagram on the floor in white chalk and to light some non-scented candles, but I'm pretty sure we didn't even really need to do that. Still, it's important to maintain an illusion - just a minute ago, I told Deucalion to really crouch down onto the floor and to not be afraid to get into it.

(Yes, I suspected as much. Thank you for that... I'll have you know the wretched chalk took over two hours to clean. - Deucalion, 2003).

(The spell worked, though. So, we can't know for sure that that part was total crap. - Lydia, 2003).

I might also tell the Scottses that they need to perform the Snoopy Dance, just to, you know, "complete the ritual".

(Sick. You are sick. - Scott, 2003).

(Genius. You are a genius. - Lia, 2003).


	22. October 24, 2000

Stiles has been having a real hard time lately. First, Noah collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital and then, Jordan found out that his stint as Professor Walsh's experiment was seriously damaging his heart - he may be all temporary super-soldier, but he's still very much human. Both Noah and Jordan are doing okay now, but Stiles has become convinced that what's happening to her dad must somehow be supernatural in nature after the doctors at Sunnydale General shared with them that their medical consensus is a big, fat case of "No idea. Let's just run more tests."

I'm not sure what to think, though.

Stiles DID find a weird glowy crystal ball thingy the other night on patrol. But this IS Sunnydale - where the secret town motto is "Don't Trip Over A Corpse Or Supernatural Object On Your Way Out!"

Stiles says that she found the ball outside an old warehouse and that the security there showed up at the hospital, suddenly crazy, literally out of his mind, they had to strap him down - and I can tell from her usual Determined Slayer Stiles Face that she's not going to rest until the supernatural explanations can be ruled out.

Allison suggested that Stiles use "Cloutier's Spell" - to sense supernatural influence - and it's actually not the worst idea that she's ever come up with. Although, let's be honest, it's a pretty low bar.

(Hey! Don't forget that I am the one who came up with using a God's weapon - a.k.a. Olaf's troll hammer - to fight a Goddess - a.k.a. Slutty Jennifer... Although, I STILL think we should have worked a piano in there somewhere. That always seems to work on unlikable villains. Maybe even for The First. - Allison, 2003).

I've been studying Cloutier's work for a while and despite some weird sixteen century norms (that are NOT, nor should EVER have been normal), he actually really knows his stuff.

The thing is, trancework can be pretty advanced.

I know that Stiles has started training with Deucalion again - given him a reason to stay and not run off back to England (thank goodness, because I could not keep that secret in any longer). But a spelled trance still demands an intense amount of focus. With that in mind, I've tweaked the kinds of incense the spell uses to aid in concentration and add a little beginner's luck. (I know she can do this).


	23. January 9, 2001

Jordan left town for good the other day and he barely gave Stiles any warning at all. She's trying to put on her Happy Stiles Face - but having been on the receiving end of a dump-and-ditch relationship myself, I know that she's probably devastated. They were pretty close, from what I could tell.

Last night, Cora and I tried to come up with ideas to help Stiles get her mind off of things. But other than watching terrible ice-skating movies or old Polish movies, Stiles doesn't really have that many other hobbies apart from slaying. So, we started thinking about slaying accessories instead and ta-da!

Simulated Sunlight!

Maybe if we figure out a way for Stiles to take out entire vamp nests with a (pocket-sized, we don't wanna blind the poor girl, too) ball of magickal Sunlight, then she would have more time to keep an eye on Noah (who seems to be doing really well since his surgery), take care of Lia, possibly (but probably not) study a little... Maybe she should even find a new favourite genre of movie.

Cora and I are gonna swing by the Magic Box tomorrow to snag some ingredients and try it out.

Deucalion is in London for a few days, seeing if the Watcher's Council has any information at all about Jennifer. And while he didn't actually say the words out loud, I could tell that he was worried about leaving the shop for Allison to run alone.

I still can't believe that Jordan called it quits on Stiles and somehow Scott and Allison are still going strong.


	24. January 10, 2001

So...

Funny story...

You know how fleabane COULD make a Simulated Sunlight Spell VERY unstable and you should DEFINITELY make sure to ENUNCIATE every word and have absolutely ZERO distractions?

Well, Allison and I started to argue in the middle of the spell and ended up releasing Olaf, a troll who went a little hammer-happy on the shop and The Bronze... And on Scott's wrist.

I think Allison and I finally decided to come to an understanding. And while I still think she could use a little more practice with the whole being-a-human thing, I can tell that she really does care about Scotty, that her feelings for him are real. And also, she's finally convinced that my lips are strictly for girls; strictly for Cora from now on. (Not to mention that seeing ex-boyfriend (who she apparently dated over a thousand years ago, just before becoming a man-hating Vengeance Demon); Mr. Troll, really gives me a sense of just how far she's come).

I just wish that we knew for sure that we sent Olaf to a troll dimension. The spell we found was more like dimension roulette. I tried to use certain ingredients to be more specific, but I think it's easily just as possible that he ended up literally anywhere.

Cora told me to stop "fretting" about it. (She's SO cute).


	25. February 6, 2001

Cecylia... Lia is "The Key." The very "thing" that Jennifer has been hunting - is still hunting.

Even though Stiles and Deucalion (Noah knew, too, said he somehow just knew after he suffered that little "crazy episode" as Stiles calls it) told the rest of the gang (obviously minus Lia herself), I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it all - how all of those memories I have of Lia (anything dating passed just one lousy year) - how she used to sneak around outside Stiles' door and listen in whenever I (especially when Scott - she has a cute little crush on him) would spend the night - how when Stiles would come over and have to bring her (because Noah said so), too, she would sit on my bean-bag in the corner of my room and write in her journals, while Stiles and I did our homework and talked about Derek and Jackson -- can all just be fricking fake!

Stiles is worried. Now that we know that Jennifer is in fact a brain-sucking (which doesn't kill you, but does make you completely insane) Hell Goddess and not just your average demon (but Stiles could have told you that, says she's way more powerful than "little old Adam"... Holy crap!), it seems like our normal Slayage routine isn't gonna cut it.

I promised Stiles that I would start working on some extra magicky magick to help in the fight with this skank (seriously, she wears the same revealing cocktail dresses), starting with some tactical spells that will warn us if Jennifer is nearby... And to hopefully help us run the fudge away if she is.


	26. February 13, 2001

The Teleportation Spell worked on Jennifer - so, yay!

Unfortunately, there HAVE been SOME side-effects, like nosebleeds, migraines... Do the bands at The Bronze usually play their instruments at approximately ten billion decibels? Because that's kind of what it felt like to me the other night.

As much as I hate to admit it, I guess I'm just not ready for that level of Witchcraft. Or at least, I need to go into these spells with a better awareness of potential consequences. - Take that Lydia-Enacting Spell I tried to do last year - it seemed like it turned into the spell that wouldn't stop giving.

Stiles said that Theo tried to tell her that he was in love with her. The two had a stake-out a couple of nights ago and he brought a big flask of whiskey to share with her and he was babbling about The Ramones.

(The whole seduction thing was a lot more suave than you're making it sound. - Theo, 2003).

(No, it wasn't. And you know I hate The Ramones. - Stiles, 2003).

Now, I'm worried that his weird fixation on her might be some lingering effect of the whole fake wedding fiasco.

Stiles asked me to revoke Theo's all-access to the Stilinkski house. To be honest, with all the use this spell gets, I think we should just call it "the Stiles Special".

I remember the first time that I used this spell - back when Derek was all evil and needed de-inviting and how I spent hours going over the ingredients and practising the four little lines of Latin. Now, it's all old hat... I guess I HAVE grown.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not being completely up to teleportation spells.

Maybe one day I will be.

Future Lydia will look back on all of this and say, "remember when teleportation spells gave me nosebleeds and headaches? Hey, I think I'll teleport over to Stiles' place right now."


	27. April 17, 2001

Stiles' dad died. I can't believe that I'm writing this. He came through his surgery just fine and dandy and was finally all Noah-like again and then, Stiles came home one afternoon and found him lying on the couch. Everything changed in an instant.

We're all in shock and dealing with what's happened in all our own different ways; Scott has eaten about five times his body weight in casseroles, Stiles herself is real quiet and keeping busy, Deucalion is trying to be the supporting Watcher (also kind of father figure - that he's always been), even Allison doesn't know what to do with herself and I think I've gone home to visit my mom more times in these passed couple of weeks than I have since I started attending college altogether. I've even started to keep a more detailed journal about everything that's happened as a way of making sure every important moment counts.

Lia, understandably, is having a real hard time. She said that she didn't want to go back to a "momless" house right after the funeral service, so (with Stiles' permission), Cora and I let her spend the night at our place. However, it didn't take long to figure out just what Lia was after - she asked us to do a spell to bring her father back to life.

Cora was quick to explain all of the Wicca warnings about how us Witches all take an oath not to disrupt the natural order of things - because my girlfriend is just kind and sweet and gentle like that. I know that she's probably right... But I still found myself biting my tongue. - Because from where I'm sitting, the "natural order of things" - one where a girl who has already died once to keep the world safe, STILL has her father taken away from her - is looking pretty damn unnatural.

So, the next morning, before I left for class, I subtly (magickally) nudged Lia toward reading "DiPastori's History of Witchcraft". I didn't think that she would be able to get very far with it - sure, there's a chapter on resurrection, but it's more of a recap of other books on the subject, all of which are chock-full of very difficult translations and obscure ingredients. I wanted to give her a distraction, something to give her a sense of control while she waited for the heartache to slowly lessen over time.

I don't know how, but Lia did a spell. Stiles says that Lia ripped up the summoning photo of their dad just before they found out exactly what the heck it was that came back to them and was waiting for them behind their front door. But something definitely came back.

This morning, Lia showed up at our door holding Cora's copy of DiPastori and looking rather apologetic. Cora just took the book and gave her a big hug and then, left for her English class. But before I could follow, Lia must have been able to tell that I had questions, because she handed me a neatly folded piece of paper and told me that it felt weird to just throw it away (bless her).

I don't even wanna know how Lia acquired some of these ingredients and I also didn't know that there are fricking Ghora demons in Sunnydale. (Nasty, creepy little things). But the spell is VERY fascinating. And obviously, VERY dark.

Cora thinks that if we just dive into stuff like this, we'll end up manipulating the world until it becomes unhinged... And maybe she's right.

But there HAS to be a way for a Witch to move beyond all of that. To figure out a way to glue everything back together - a Witch who could make sure the world treats her friends and family fairly.


	28. May 1, 2001

Jennifer hurt Cora. Cora and I had a fight about magick and then she left alone for the carnival and Jennifer hurt her.

Stiles told me not to do anything crazy and I'm not... But it's simple - when someone hurts the one you love, you hurt them back.

Besides, I'm tired of doing what Stiles says. I'm tired of pretending that dark magick doesn't exist. Most of all, I'm tired of holding in my true power.

And I know the real truth - life isn't ever fair and sometimes the only way to fight that which is most frightening is by being even more frightening yourself.

#

SPELLS TO CAUSE PAIN (ADAPTED FROM THE DAKRKEST MAGICKS) -

• A spell to paralyze your victim (note: you will need to have the victim in your sights for the second incantation and the first can be said at any point).

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- onyx (with a pentegram carved or painted on it).  
\- a piece of amber (with an insect trapped inside).

Directions:  
1\. Hold the onyx in your left hand, keeping it between your thumb and the space where the pointer and the middle finger meet; this connects the third eye and crown chakra points.  
2\. Hold the amber in your right hand, same position.  
3\. Lift the stones to your eyes and recite the first incantation to charge them with magickal power.  
4\. When you finally have your eyes on your target, recite the second incantation.

First Incantation:  
"Shiva, Euryale, Stheno, Cabrakan, Footfalls Hobbled, Sails Be Calmed. Cassiel, Make Worthy My Eyes."

Second Incantation:  
"Kali, Hera, Kronos, Thonic, Air Like Nectar, Thick As Onyx. Cassiel, By Your Second Star, Hold Mine Victim As In Tar."

• A spell to store and control lightning.

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- rod of quartz or amber.  
\- ram's wool (two lengths).  
\- copper Mjölnir pendant.

Directions:  
1\. Place one piece of wool on a flat surface and lie the rod across it.  
2\. Hold the pendant in your left hand and use the second piece of wool to rub lightly against the rod while reciting the incantation. (Each pass of the wool will store more power within the caster for later release).

Incantation:  
"Fill me with the warmth of Thor and banish the wicked as Odinsson banish Jörmungandr on the eve of Ragnarök."


	29. May 8, 2001

Attacking Jennifer did absolutely nothing. All of that stupid dark magick and I barely managed to mess up her mascara a little.

Cora is still weak and helpless (and crazy after Jennifer brain-sucked her) and so NOT Cora that I just wanna shrivel up and cry. It's MY fault. It's ALL my fault.

If I hadn't have flown off the handle at her about the stupid magicks (even though it really hurt for her to tell me that she's actually becoming a little afraid of my power) then, I would have been with her! Like I always am. I could have protected her. Like I should have. I wouldn't have gone after Jennifer and pissed her off enough into coming after us full fricking force and Cora wouldn't have accidentally revealed to Jennifer that Lia is in fact The Key.

Understably, Stiles is in full panic mode. But she acted quickly, literally lifting Lia into her arms and running as fast as she possible could. They got away, but Stiles said it was just barely and she's also confused why and I do kind of agree - a truck plowing into the Goddess would barely have slowed her down. Something had to have happened. But what?

(Well, we know now don't we? - Theo, 2003).

(Ben was Jennifer, right? - Scott, 2003).

(I will bite you, McCall. - Theo, 2003).

None of us knew what to do after, which is why Stiles, Scott, Deucalion, Allison, Lia, Theo, Cora and myself are all sitting in a Winnebago that I wondered why smells like canned meat until Allison showed us all the food she brought. Theo's blocked out all the windows, blocking the sunlight while he drives for us, but we still don't know where the heck we're headed. We're just driving for now. Trying to stay as far away as possible from Jennifer. I don't even know where the heck Theo got this... Lovely piece of American history.

(Won it at a poker game from a Chaos Demon. They actually smell a lot like canned meat... So the smell makes a lot of sense. - Theo, 2003).

(Sometimes, I still have nightmares about that van. - Scott, 2003).

(I thought it was a fun enough road trip... Aside from the almost getting killed parts... - Lia, 2003).

I'm trying to find a barrier spell to give us a little extra defense, but I don't know how to make it mobile. Well, if you can even call thirty miles an hour mobile. But there are several options, many that use light magick. Although, I can still feel the remnants of that dark magick tugging on the edges of my brain.

It would be easy just to go back and use it again, but I'll keep looking...


	30. May 15, 2001

I had to use the dark spell. Before I could find something else, we were interrupted by a group of Medieval-looking horse-riding religious soldiers types who shot at us with arrows and cornered us in some old abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere. Deucalion is hurt pretty bad, Jennifer found and grabbed Lia and now, Stiles has literally gone catatonic. In retrospect, our time in the R.V. is looking like a fricking vacation.

(When our current impending apocalypse is over, remind me to take you on a REAL vacation. - Stiles, 2003).

We've tried everything we can think of to snap Stiles out of it. Yelling, finger snapping, shaking - and if you're Theo; hitting - but absolutely nothing has worked.

Until, all at once, I suddenly felt a sense of... Purpose and surety wash over me. Maybe it was just gas fumes, but I knew that we all needed to go back to Sunnydale and that I needed to be the one to take charge of getting Stiles back so that we could fix Cora and save Lia. And maybe, while we're at it, try to figure out what the connection between Ben and Jennifer is.

Theo seems to think that they are definitely connected in some way, but his idea of a therapeutic technique is to punch a girl having a mental breakdown (not that she even felt it, but still) in the face. So, maybe we'll just take that with a grain of salt.

(I was the first one to figure something out. I bet you lot felt so smart. - Theo, 2003).

(Okay, I'll admit, you were right. But to be fair, we WERE all under their whammy. - Lydia, 2003).

There are a lot of mind-walking spells out there, but again - something's telling me to go back to Cloutier. While most of his work was devoted to spells that turned astral projection outward, I feel like there may be a way to adapt his ingredients and methods to turn the focus inward, into someone else's subconscious. Instead of the Oil of Abramelin - I shouldn't need demon protection - I'll use a poppy to help access the Dream World and turn the whole thing into a kind of talisman that can journey with me inside Stiles' mind.

It's at least worth a shot. You know what they say - "If you don't try, you're definitely going to be destroyed by a Hell Goddess"...


	31. May 22, 2001

The mind-walking spell worked. After déja vu-ing around Stiles' brain for a couple of hours and pulling her out from a dip in its three-star pity pool of "I killed my sister" - I was able to convince her that the only way she would actually be responsible for killing Lia is if she didn't snap out of it and help us fight Jennifer.

Everything is still all terrible.

Cora's been acting extra agitated lately - I can't stand to see her like this and now, it's worse that I can barely even keep her calm, even with the medication.

There HAS to be a way for me to fix this. I don't care what rules I have to bend to get her back.

Deucalion says that if Jennifer manages to start the ritual to open all of the gates to the Hell dimensions, the only way to stop it is to... Kill Lia. And then, Stiles said that if anyone (she clearly hinted that included us, too) even goes near Lia, she will kill them...

At least getting Stiles back to normal feels like a victory. A small victory in the magnitude of things, but still.

We've all been tasked with trying to come up with ways to impede Jennifer and I think I might have a spell that could take back all the minds that Jennifer has stolen, including Cora's. It might also make all of our heads explode... But I suppose if that's appropriately timed, it would make for a good distraction.

Oh... Did I mention that I might also be telepathic now? Ever since doing the mind-walking spell, I can sense other's thoughts, like shadows behind a screen. All it would take is to give a little nudge and the screen would shuffle aside for me... Very awesome. But also kind of terrifying.

I haven't told the others, because I'm not sure if it's a permanent thing or just a side-effect... But I will keep an eye on it; the last time there was a bout of telepathy in the gang (Stiles), it didn't really go so well.

Stiles says that I'm her "big gun", which, hello, pressure much? But I didn't fight her on it. I also didn't say anything when she was arguing with Deucalion about protecting Lia until the very end. Even if Jennifer is successful in starting the ritual, though it was hard not to see where Deucalion was coming from...

I love Lia. I don't wanna lose Lia. And I'm going to put my life on the line and do everything I can to make sure we keep Lia alive.

But if it comes down to it and it's the entire world or Lia, I just don't see how Stiles is going to have any other choice...

(That's why there was a third option at the very end - jump off of a giant scaffold made by crazy people and into a giant pool of blobby blue energy and then be brought back to the land of the living five months later. - Stiles, 2003).

Still, I have to believe that Stiles will figure it out - just like she always does. It's why she's the Chosen One.


	32. October 2, 2001

It's been five months since Stiles sacrificed herself to save the world.

For five months, we've wondered if the person who should be here, smiling and laughing and punning in a non-RobotStiles way that makes sense, is instead suffering unimaginable pain in some random hell dimension. For five months, we've been stumbling around, trying to figure out how to protect Sunnydale without the Slayer - without Stiles, while raising a (okay, not happy but definitely) healthy Lia without a father or sister. For five months, we've been trying to figure out how to fill the hole in every conversation or photo.

The truth is, after slogging through these passed five months, we've realised that it's going to be impossible to do any of these things. And that's why tonight, I'm going to bring Stiles back to life...

It's taken a while to round up all of the ingredients. Luckily, Allison was able to find the last ingredient; the "Urn of Osiris" somewhere on the internet. It's probably the last one of it's kind, so I gotta keep it safe until the time comes.

It took a lot longer to get everyone on the same page (only the ones involved know: Scott, Cora and Allison). Scott is naturally a little jumpy about the spell and I didn't wanna argue so soon with Cora after I (miraculously) just got her back. Though (thankfully), Allison seemed to be on board right from the start. But slowly, over time and as we felt the loss (and struggle) of Stiles even more, we finally all agreed that the way she died was neither fair nor natural.

Everyone's looking to me these days. Scott made me a "The Boss of Us" plaque as a stupid joke, but I've used it as a pick-me-up in those days. Especially when it's been tempting to tell Deucalion to put a hold on him going back to England for good. But until I know that the spell has worked, I can't risk anything. And I really don't know how he would react if I was to bring Stiles back... Wrong.

Then, there's Theo. Our undead, sort-of babysitter (every so often) to Lia (they seem to have gotten close anyway, at least she has someone to talk to and I know he cares for her because Stiles loved her). He's looked so haunted since Stiles died. I, Goddess, help me, I feel sorry for him. Okay, he's tried to kill all of us (a lot) in the past, but I can't deny he hasn't proved his loyalty. I just wanna go tell him to maybe have a little bit of hope, that maybe this time tomorrow, he could be looking right at her.

(I prefer "vampire bodyguard" and there are still days that I want to rip your head off for not telling me. So, thanks... - Theo, 2003).

Still, I don't think anything will go wrong. While I've never exactly been one with self-confidence, I know that I can do this. I can bring Stiles back.

I've been conserving my energy and keeping my nose to the books. I've kept some details close to my chest; Egyptian magick is known for the rigorous spiritual tests it demands of its casters and the ingredients make me a little queasy (being all blood and dead things).

I'm also not sure what to expect when I go into the woods alone this afternoon for the "Vino De Madre." Whatever it is though, it will be worth it.

The world owes our friend. The world owes Stiles a happy ending.

#

• A spell to call forth an innocent and willing creature for sacrifice. (You must do this spell first in order to complete the resurrection spell).

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- daisy seeds.  
\- dandelion seeds.  
\- white carnation seeds (or baby's breath seeds).  
\- daffodil seeds.  
\- any sacrificial blade (blessed with Blue Flame).  
\- flowers.

Directions:  
1\. After bathing, dress in pure white.  
2\. Go to a place of natural beauty.  
3\. In the full light of day, after scattering the seeds across the earth, call upon the spirits of innocence with the first incantation.  
4\. A being of clean heart should then approach you - use the knife to take the sacrifice (be as merciful as possible).  
5\. Gather all the Vino De Madre (blood) that you can and thank the being for its offering so that the gift remains consecrated with the second incantation.  
6\. Mark the place of the being's death with flowers.

First Incantation:  
"Adonai, Helomi, pine. Adonai, Helomi, pine. The Gods do command thee from thy Majesty. O Mappa Laman, Adonai, Helomi, come forward, blessed one. Know your calling. Come forward, blessed one."

Second Incantation:  
"Adonai, Helomi, pine, divine creature, Child of Elomina. Accept our humble gratitude for your offering. In death, you give life. May you find wings to the Kingdom."

• The Invocation of Osiris. (To resurrect a warrior killed by supernatural forces).

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- Urn of Osiris.  
\- Vino De Madre (blood of an innocent and willing being).  
\- three black candles.

Directions:  
1\. When Mercury is in retrograde, gather three others who knew the warrior and go to the fallen's grave.  
2\. The one who directly beseeches Osiris should hold his urn, while the other three each hold their candles to guide the caster's work.  
3\. The caster should then recite the incantation as they pour the Vino De Madre into the urn.  
4\. Once the urn is full, use the blood to mark both cheeks and forehead, while continuing with the incantation.  
5\. Continue chanting and slowly pour the blood over the grave.  
6\. When complete, the spirits of the Underworld will begin to weigh your soul to determine if the request is worthy of Osiris. (Snakes MAY come out of your mouth and your liver could be set on fire...)

Incantation:  
"Osiris, Keeper of the Gate, Master of all Fate, hear us. Before time and after. Before knowing and nothing. Accept our offering. Know our prayer. Osiris, here lies the warrior of the people. Let her cross over!"


	33. October 9, 2001

I did it! I brought Stiles back to life!

It feels like my hands have been shaking ever since, but I actually did it. I asked Osiris to bring my best friend back from the dead and he actually did it for me.

Understandably, it's taken Stiles time to adjust. That's all natural.

And when someone does a spell of that magnitude, it's expected that there will be some consequences; magickal or otherwise. Sure, we happened to thausmogenesis up a vengeful poltergeist, but we took care of that. I made it solid so Stiles could kick its ass and that she did. It was child's play. Although, I am now thinking about what the poltergeist said about us being children... No, it wasn't child's play, it was responsible, newly bodacious Witch's play.

We beat the Sunnydale system. I beat the Sunnydale system. And now, I feel like I could do anything - when Cora and I were doing the spell to make the poltergeist corporeal, it's like in the middle of it, my power just took over and did it all for me. I don't even know if we actually needed the Angelica. For a second, it felt like I was the magick and it was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

After it was over, I wanted to tell Cora, but something about the way she wouldn't meet my eyes for a few days after I did the spell to bring Stiles back made me bite my tongue instead. She's been practicing since she was little and yet, she's never talked about anything like this happening to her. I wonder if that's how it feels for Stiles all of the time, being the Slayer.

I just wish that everyone would stop looking for problems (not forgetting Deucalion calling me out for bringing Stiles back).

Stiles herself even came to the Magic Box yesterday and thanked us for not abandoning her in a hell dimension. I mean, oddly, it packed very little enthusiasm. But it has only been a few days since she's been back. She's probably just still getting used to it all.

I'm sure it's all good, but... Why does it feel like I'm missing something here?


	34. November 13, 2001

Yesterday, Cora told me that I was using too much magick. At first, I didn't understand what she was saying or why she was looking at me like I had just said something crazy. But then it sank it what she really meant - she knew about the forgetting spell I used on her and now I feel like crap.

She said that if I couldn't go just one week without magick, then she would break up with me... I don't think I could take that. Not ever. But especially not now. Not when I'm still trying to find the words to apologise for ripping Stiles out of a fricking heavenly and peaceful afterlife.

I want to fix things. I need to. Both with Stiles and with Cora... And hopefully Deucalion (he's still mad at me for messing with dark magicks and potentially risking bringing back a zombified Stiles).

But how will my going cold turkey being helpful to anyone? How will I help us fight whatever supernatural foe comes for us next?

Sure, back in high school I could hack into any database and flip through microfilm. But when it actually comes to being useful in the fight of live and death? Not so much. Old Lydia just sat in the school library, waiting for everyone to come back and tell her how the real hero work went.

But no matter what Deucalion says about me being a "rank, arrogant amateur", I know that there aren't many people on this Earth that can do what I do. I'm strong, powerful and I'm the only thing that got the group through those horrible five months when Stiles was gone. I fixed the RobotStiles more times than I can count on both hands, and yes, maybe I miscalculated whether or not Stiles needed saving in the first place, but my intentions were pure and I got the job done. I raised the actual dead, I kept us from falling apart, and by using this bigger forgetting spell I'm about to do to press the reset button, I'll keep us from falling apart again.

After this, I'll do what Cora asked and abstain for a week. I will get dressed the old-fashioned way, even if it means going back to searching by hand through piles of clothes and I'll look up information in books or the internet. And I will ignore the thrumming through my veins.

And then, we can start all over again. I will reintroduce the magick I use to Cora gradually, so as not to unnerve her again and Stiles will forget heaven and stop having to force a smile everytime she catches one of us looking. (I should have known. How could I not have known? Of course she was in heaven. She's a fricking hero!)

A blank slate. That's all I want. And then, this time, I will get it all right.


	35. November 20, 2001

Cora moved out. The "Tabula Rasa" (the forgetting) spell majorly backfired and when we all regained our collective memories back, there was no denying what I had tried to do.

She's been ignoring my calls, so I've had no chance to explain that I was just trying to fix us, that I was just trying to help everyone. I don't know how to sleep when she's not beside me. I've never lived in this house without her - on nights when Stiles is out patrolling and Lia is staying at a friend's, I don't know what to do with myself.

But I've been trying to look on the - I don't wanna say "bright side" - just the side that doesn't have a gaping void in it. Without Cora, there's no reason for me to hide how much magick I do. The Scooby Gang have been doing a lot of research lately, trying to figure out who's been robbing banks and museums and playing around with Stiles' life - and I thought, why not just zap all the information we need into my brain and zip through it all. Kind of like Witch hacking. I think there's also a way to zap information from one's brain onto pages, which is cool.

Until last night, I had never been able to get the word-absorbing effects of the spell to last longer than just five minutes. But then, I realised that the key was to bring something I could wear, something I could charge with power. A ring with embedded stones could even be self-sustaining. And then, with enough practice, in time I might be able to do it without the ring at all.


	36. November 27, 2001

I can't believe it. After three years and a magic shop's worth of herbs, I finally figured out how to fix Kate. Ironically, it didn't even require an elaborate spell.

When I was practicing my new word-absorbing powers on the coven forums, I came across a link to an article about an Italian Sourcerer who discovered that the plague of rats infesting his city was actually a vengeful coven of Withces. He stopped them by forcing them to return to human form. I called his research to me by saying - "Rivili!" - thank you, internet community of Italian covens - and two seconds later, poof! - A naked and non-rat Kate was sitting on my bed instead.

It's been nice having another magickally inclined friend around again, one who doesn't look at me like I've sprouted three extra heads every time I have a little fun with dimensions and temporal folds.

She convinced me to go to The Bronze last night and we were able to completely change the vibe by zapping in elements from other The Bronzes in other universes. I really wish I knew which universe the sheep came from. Maybe there's a universe where The Bronze has a Farm Night. Maybe it's an actual farm. Or maybe it's a sheep universe where they have sheep booze at a sheep-run Bronze and there's a sheep-me and a sheep-Kate and even a sheep-Slayer...

(Woolly Wiles the Slayer. Strikes fear in MY undead heart. - Theo, 2003).

(It had better. - Stiles, 2003).

Kate was doing some pretty cool stuff, too... Although, it definitely looked more of the darker variety. When she made those two rude douchebags dance half-naked in cages that hung from the ceiling, I recognized the spell from the book I used to take on Jennifer after she hurt Cora. They would have been dancing until death... Literally. But I mean, I know that she wouldn't have let it go that far. She's nothing like her mother - who really was the epitome of the words "Wicked Witch."

And while I kind of felt like I needed to join in on the dark mojo to keep up with her, I managed to stay totally in control. I mean, one of us had to. And with this being Kate's first night in almost four years since she last got to do human and witchy things, I thought I'd let her have her fun.

Cora was in the kitchen when we got home. I felt my heart flutter, like it does every time I look at her. My first impulse was to go over and kiss her, but then, Kate started talking about what we had done (it's my fault, I should have told her) and I saw Cora's face immediately harden with judgement and disappointment. I felt ashamed. At first. And then, I felt angry. Angry for being made to feel ashamed. She left me! And magick is nothing to be ashamed of! It's beautiful and powerful and makes me feel useful!

That stupid look on her beautiful face was why I just went back out with Kate again. Even after I said that I wouldn't have another night like that for a while. But I'm glad that I did. Kate took me to meet her friend named Rack, who's a powerful Warlock. At first, I was a little put off by the vibe of his place - think dingy backstreet alley doctor's waiting room. But once he started to share his magicks with me, that all quickly faded away.

I'm not sure how long I was there for or how the heck I even got home. All that I do know is that for brief, but glittering patch of time, I no longer felt empty that Cora had left me or scared that she would never speak to me again or nervous that what everyone was accusing me of might actually be true...

All I felt in that time was complete euphoria and completely connected to magick in its purest, most elemental form.

The only hard part is coming back down. Back to the real world.


	37. November 28, 2001

(((Hey, Future Lydia, if you're ever tempted to go overboard with the dark magicks again, please just read this instead!!!)))

My hands are still shaking so much that I can hardly write.

I almost killed Lia last night. We were on our way to a movie and Lia started yelling at me about how I screwed up with Cora and I just couldn't take it all any longer. I just needed to disappear back into Rack's magick - to be in that blank, floaty space where nothing else matters but that moment.

I thought that it would just be for a moment - a quick press of Cool Collected Lydia reset button. But it all went so wrong...

Some-fricking-how, I summoned a demon and in the process of us running away, I crashed my car and Lia broke her arm. It could have been worse. Stiles knows that it could have been worse, too, but she's gone into her full forgiving and fixing the problem mode. It's unsurprising and I'm not ungrateful, but I don't feel like I deserve it.

This morning, Stiles went on a mini-rampage, cleaning out all of my magick supplies - the effigies, the cards, the crystals, the herbs, the candles - everything. I almost told her to take this book from me, too. After all, everyone was right about me; I wasn't able to control myself with the magicks. I just couldn't stop. And because of it, I hurt people that I care about. Not just Lia, but also Cora and Stiles and Scott and Deucalion and Allison and even Theo after I used Lethe's bramble on all of us. And also to everybody at The Bronze that night that Kate and I let ourselves loose.

It's a problem. It's an addiction. 

However, when I opened my mouth to tell Stiles to look behind my philosophy books for my secret stash, something in the back of my mind told me to stay quiet. I also didn't say anything when she missed a box of general supplies on my bookshelf.

I mean, what if something happens and I need it? What if we're all in trouble and everyone needs Super Witch Lydia? - Not Sad and Lonely and Weak Lydia.

So, I bit my tongue and kept quiet.

But I swear, I'm not going to do any more spells.


	38. November 29, 2001

Yesterday was my first day without magick. And so, of course, that was the day the Universe went, "Hey, today, you're going to be kidnapped!"

However, it turns out that the "big and supernatural force" that's been messing with Stiles for the passed few weeks is actually just three idiot douchebags with too much time on their hands and one shared inferiority complex. Peter, the sick weirdo who builds all too lifelike robots - including the Stiles Robot. Devil-dog owner, Mason and He Should Fricking Know Better Johnathan, the sad loser who tried to kill himself back in high school - have all teamed up to cause havoc and live out all of their stupid fantasies, including the vengeful ones.

It was SO tempting to just do a spell that would paralyze them or better yet, make them disappear from existence forever. But I didn't. I did things the (stupid) old-fashioned way. The way that makes my head ache and my legs and lungs feel like they're on fire. I really can't believe this is how I used to do things all of the time...

That night, however, when I was lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I thought that Cora might be proud of me if she knew. And it's the first time I thought about anything good for a while.


	39. December 8, 2001

I almost slipped up.

Kate dropped by the house today to pick up her cage - as weird as it sounds - but before she left, she jolted me with some magick. I could feel it tingling just beneath my skin for the rest of the fricking day! It was eager to be used as I tried to help Stiles with what was going on at the Double Meet Palace - I still can't believe she works there, but good on her for bringing in the pennies for Lia.

Anyway, I almost caved while I was trying to help Stiles with her latest evil creature; if ever there is a moment for a combustion spell, it's definitely when a weird Tremors-looking demon is spitting poison at you. But somehow, I managed to keep a lid on it, let out a rather girly scream (haven't done that in a while, even Scott does it weekly) and helped Stiles toss its head into the meat grinder... Yeah; ew!

After it was all over, though and after Kate's magick had finally left my system, I felt a new kind of euphoria take hold and I knew that it was because I was proud of myself for resisting.

And also, I was really angry that Kate had tried to derail my efforts. I quickly found her after it was all done and told her that she needed to stay away from me. She didn't take it too badly and agreed, but I could tell she wasn't happy.


	40. January 3, 2002

I ran into Cora today outside the Magic Box. She was holding a copy of the "Brekenkrieg Grimoire" and for a second, I was overcome with a powerful jealousy - she tells me that I use too much magick, but she's just carrying around one of the most powerful texts on resurrection spells in history.

But then, I looked at her beautiful face and then, I was suddenly babbling, telling her that I hadn't used any magick at all in over a month - which I actually only realised in that moment - and then subtly trying to let her know how fricking much I miss her without actually saying it...

I do, though... I miss her SO much...


	41. January 19, 2002

The Stiles Birthday Curse struck again.

Apparently, Lia has been feeling quite lonely and turned what was supposed to be just a few hours of lighthearted laughs and a little booze, into a forced sleepover, brought to you by one of Allison's old Vengeance Demon pals.

Before Allison figured that out, she tried to bully me back into using magick so that I could break whatever spell was holding us in the house.

I got goosebumps when Cora stood up for me. She then told me that she was really proud of me and that I didn't even need that safety stash (she knows me too well) I had been keeping hidden in my room, because I held my ground when things got bad and desperate.


	42. March 5, 2002

Scott left Allison at the altar yesterday...

I can't believe it.

Obviously, I've had my differences with Allison, but I know that she does love him. I thought he felt the same. They both seemed so happy all the time. And obviously, she's absolutely devastated.

Scott, the turd, we don't know where the heck he disappeared to. We're all just sitting here - Stiles, Lia, Cora and Deucalion, even Theo sometimes checks in to see how Allison is doing - waiting for him to return, if he ever does.

Allison said she wanted to be alone when Stiles threatened to kick her door down and Cora somehow convinced the worried Slayer to leave her be.

I just can't stop thinking about how when Cora and I were helping Allison get ready while she was practicing her vows on us. They were the sweetest fricking words that I would never have imagined an ex man-hating ex Vengeance Demon to come out with. I feel sick to my stomach every time I remember her words: "You have my whole heart. So, uh... Please don't break it." or "I'm marrying my best friend today!"

And I feel a little guilty for feeling happy. Happy that Cora and I might actually have another chance.


	43. April 30, 2002

Cora came back.

There was coffee. And it was good coffee. And I thought that maybe in a few months we could talk about what I could do to start gaining her trust again. And then suddenly we were kissing in the doorway of my bedroom and now, she's lying in bed beside me sleeping and I think I could fricking cry with happiness! I really don't deserve her. I don't deserve her forgiveness or her beauty or her grace. I don't deserve her whole heart, but she's still giving it back to me anyway.

She says that she tried to send me a letter, but when she went to mail it she ended up walking on to our house.

We don't know how everything will pan out and I will let her know that she has the ruling hand in how fast or slow we go or if or when we will bring magick back into our relationship.

I swear, though, I will never do anything to ever make her want to leave me again.


	44. To End The World

Cora is dead.

Peter killed her.

Almost killed Stiles.

I embraced my vengeance and the dark words of all those in pain for centuries traveled up my arms and all I could do is think and think and think and it feels connected, a record of all that has come to be and all that will come to be and I will kill him. I will kill all three of them. I will kill everyone.

White shirt, blood from Cora's whole heart in my hands. Osiris having the nerve to tell me not possible, not an unnatural death. If he were not already dead, I would kill him, too. I would burn him alive from the inside-out until there was nothing left but a husk and Cora was in our bedroom doorway looking at me with her shiny blue eyes. Burned him anyway. Enjoyed his screams of pain, but he'll be back to bitch about it.

Find Stiles. Gotta find Stiles. Gotta save Stiles. Use that bullet inside her lung to do a spell to find it's owner.

I can feel it all crawling behind my eyelids like spiders. There is nothing I don't know. Not with the secrets of dark Witches wrapped around my spine, making a nest in my marrow and the chambers of my heart.

He was arrogant. They all were. And now, they will all burn for it.

Cora used to eat toast in the mornings, but now she's just lying there on our bedroom floor and just what is the point of anything? We will all be dust in the end, anyway. Time is consequential now.

There is nothing I cannot do. No pain I cannot fathom to inflict.

Stiles will try to stop me. Of course she will. But she will fail. And she will be happier for it after I bring forth Proserpexa. I know she'd rather be back in heaven, anyway. She will be happier for being in the ground and back from the peace I took her from.

The world will be a cinder. It will burn until it is pure again and we are all at rest.

(I don't know how someone apologises for something like this and what I fricking did - or nearly did, thanks to Scott - and I wanted to rip this page out when I came back to it. But I think I'll keep it as a reminder of how not to lose myself. - Lydia, 2003).


	45. September 24, 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Racing to finish this. Eager to carry on with After The Hellmouth.

When Deucalion first brought me to England, I thought it was to kill me or at least to stash me in a dungeon where my arms would be strapped to my chest and the world would be kept safe from Evil Lydia. Instead, he brought me to a place that looks like a page out of an Austen novel and introduced me to a coven of Witches who have been tutoring me in all of the natural magicks. The scariest thing I've had to face is the fact that Deucalion likes to go horseback riding, a lot.

Still, as wonderful as all of the women in the coven are, they can't always hide their fear of me. Deucalion says that fear is not of me, it's more of the magick that I contain, the magick that has become my cross to bear for all of the evil that I did... For all of the evil that I became. As much as I would like to forget it, I can't. I couldn't even tear out all of the pages of spells that I had catalogued in my despair. I need the reminder. I need that Flayed Man - that Flayed Peter - that leering face of Proserpexa to keep me from ever going there again. Even if he deserved what he got and worse - who am I to judge a life, any life?

Cora wrote me a letter. Before she died, she told me that she had, but I had forgotten about it in all of the chaos, in all of the... Everything. It showed up at Stiles' house a few days after I left California and she forwarded it to Deucalion for me (bless her heart, Earthly Goddesses). He held onto it for a few weeks, but I think I've finally decided that I can handle reading it. He meant well, but I don't know that Cora's death will ever be something that I'll be able to "handle". I don't know how it will ever feel fair that I'm still here and she's not. I've had it for a few days, but I still haven't been able to read it yet. Maybe one day, I will. For now, it's still in its envelope and safety tucked into the back of this book.

Miss Hartness has been teaching me rituals through which I can become closer to Gaia, the ancestral Mother of All Life. I've been going through the motions of it for over a week without feeling any change at all, but then yesterday, I managed to pull a flower up through the earth. Deucalion said it came from Paraguay and that its name was Flora Kua Alaya. I looked it up later that night in the coven's huge encyclopedia and it said that it was a symbol of healing.

I love my friends and I do miss them terribly, but I also don't ever wanna leave this place - where the only magick demands are to call up Gaia and pop pretty little flowers out of the ground. But there is something coming to Sunnydale, coming to the Hellmouth; I can feel it beneath the earth, waiting for its chance to sink its teeth into Stiles and Scott and Lia, Allison and even Theo.

I have to help them. I have to help my friends. I just hope they still want me...

(Always, Red. - Stiles, 2003).

(And now I'm crying... But in a manly way. - Scott, 2003).


	46. October 8, 2002

I'm back in Sunnydale. On the bright side, I didn't go all veiny and homicidal again! On the not so bright side, I kind of (accidentally) turned myself invisible. Not to everyone - just to Stiles, Scott, Lia and Allison - my friends. I think it probably kicked in around the time I stepped off of the plane - I thought I felt different, but I just chalked it up to nerves and anxiety.

It would have worn off eventually and wouldn't even have been such a big deal if there hadn't been this week's monster running loose - thanks for the welcome home gift, Hellmouth - after all, it's not the first time one of the gang have turned invisible, cough-Stiles-cough. I guess that just made it the usual eventful Tuesday around this town. But wearing your Tuesday panties in Sunnydale also means there's probably something out there that wants to kill you. Example: I was almost eaten by a parasitic skin-munching demon thing named Gnarl. If Stiles and Scott hadn't have used a (somehow vampire with a fricking soul now!) and slightly Crazy From That Soul Theo to track the scent of my blood to Gnarl's cave, I definitely would be dead.

(Wait, if you don't change your panties for a few days, does the smell attract demons? Is this maybe why someone could be a demon-magnet? Asking for a friend... - Scott, 2003).

Stiles killed the demon. As Stiles does. And I figured out the whole invisibility thing must have been a subconscious spell that came from me thinking I wasn't ready to see my friends again or that worse, they didn't want to see me. Everyone was very forgiving of this... And all the other (darker) stuff. Stiles admitted that she thought that it might have been me who was going around skinning all of Gnarl's victims (the way I skinned Cora's murd - Peter) and I told her that it was okay, because I kind of thought it, too. I mean, if my subconscious can accidentally whip up a spell to make me invisible, I could also be doing bad things without knowing it.

If I start to think about going dark too much, I start to feel paralyzed. Again. Only this time it isn't courtesy of Gnarl using his disgusting bile-venom so that I couldn't even fricking scream. This time it is purely out of my own anxieties.

I don't know if I can do this.

(You can. - Stiles, 2003).

I can't even walk into our old bedroom without hearing the gunshot and feeling the echoes of rage I felt that day, as if all my despair has sunk into the carpet and the curtains and the bed and the walls, like a bloodstain. Like the one Stiles miraculously cleaned from the floor. She gave me her room without even asking, but I guess now she can feel closer to her father, being in his old room.

She came in when I was trying and failing miserably to heal myself using the natural methods that the coven has taught me and she let me draw on her Slayer strength. And only five minutes later, my wounds had almost completely healed and on top of that, my body was humming with power.

(Welcome. - Stiles, 2003).

And somehow I managed to stop myself from using that trick, from trying to enhance it and turn it into a weapon...

I don't know if I can do this.

(You did. - Stiles, 2003).


	47. October 22, 2002

Stiles almost killed Allison today. Allison had called upon a Spider Demon to wreak havoc on a fraternity house - did I mention that Allison became a Vengeance Demon again? - and it left a path of heartless bodies in its wake. If I hadn't had used D'Hoffryn's talisman and called on him to intervene, I really don't know what would have happened. Stiles was already in Slayer Mode because of all the human bloodshed and she has to be like that, so I do get it. And it's actually a good thing to know that she will always do what she needs to, especially when this evil from beneath finally comes, if it isn't here already waiting...

(Thank you. For what it's worth. - Allison, 2003).

Sometimes though, Stiles can be a little scary (not her herself but that Slayer fire in her), especially considering not so long ago, I was on the receiving end (I gave as good as I got until Deucalion saved all our asses by being his usual smart ass and then Scott actually saving all our asses in the end with his smart ass mouth). Stiles, however, insisted that my situation was different, because I'm still technically human. But I have to admit, I don't always feel human, not anymore. When I was in the frat house this morning, I had to call on old magick to help protect myself and the girl I found cowering in the closet and I didn't feel human. I felt... Other.

D'Hoffryn noticed it, too. He still wants to recruit me to his side of vengeance. He says I have a talent for it. There's a part of me that leaps at the compliment, like he's my second-grade teacher and I just got an "A+" on my spelling test. I don't know how to get rid of that part of me; ever since I can remember, I've always wanted to know everything there is to possibly know, to be the smartest cookie in the cookie shop. When you're 7 years old, that means already knowing how to spell "Mississippi". When you're almost 23 and also a recovering dark Witch, the stakes are much higher.

If I lose control, if I become what I was before, will Stiles find another loophole for me? Or will I finally have to be another "I killed Derek" story - the kind that she tells to prove that she can do what needs to be done when needed?


	48. November 5, 2002

I miss Cora. I don't think I will ever stop missing Cora. But for the first time since she's been gone, I felt a burst of something that I never thought I would feel again. Sure, from the outside, it might appear like inappropriate lust for a 17 year old of the wrong gender, but I swear, as soon as I make this spell to turn R.J. into a woman, our love will be so beautiful.

(AHA! I still can't believe you tried this shit. - Stiles, 2003).

(Okay, judgy much? I don't have to remind you that we were ALL under a fricking love spell!)

(Yeah, I'm gonna go with Stiles on this one. It's just too funny. - Lia, 2003).

(Well, I think it's just plain cheating. - Allison, 2003).

(Okay, what? - Scott, 2003).

(Oh, shut up, McCall, you left me at the altar. - Allison, 2003).

(Please, stop. This is MY book. - Lydia, 2003).

I can't believe we thought that Stiles and Lia were under a love spell. As if R.J. - with his soft, golden locks and sweet little aura of little sex butterflies - would EVER need to stoop so low. Some people just have natural charisma that can't be contained.

The others (Stiles, Lia and Allison) have all run off to prove their stupid affections for him with totally insignificant gestures. There was a moment where Stiles and I were rooting around the basement for supplies - me with magicks and her with her weird plan to kill Principal Boyd - where I wanted to say, "Hey, Stiles, put that bazooka down and talk to me. In all our years of being friends, have we ever let a guy come between us? Sure, that's mostly because I'm gay and you seem to have a thing where you have over-complicated relationships with vampires, but why should we break our streak now?"

But then, I just realised that we would just be waiting for the right guy to come along and get between us - a guy with wisdom beyond his years and eyelashes that are really more suited to a woman, anyway.

There's really no way to do this spell other than to call on Hecate. I just hope she's not too mad after all those times I tried to get her to de-rat Kate. She can get a little cranky.


	49. November 16, 2002

We have a name for the thing that has been tormenting us "from beneath"... Only, surprise! It's not so much from beneath anymore. It's the First Evil and it's been playing with us. It pretended to have a message from Cora, it pretended to be Noah's ghost and talked to Lia. And who even knows how long it's been talking to Theo, tormenting him? Stiles just thought that he was talking to the people in his crazy head, because of the whole soul situation. Instead, it's been turning him into a weapon.

Stiles tried to cut through the fog of his brain and see if we could use Theo to figure out more about yet another baddie trying to get their apocalypse game on. Sadly, no luck there.

That night, we were attacked by the Bringers - who seem to be The First's eyeless minions and they took Theo with them. Stiles is determined to get him back, but if you try to pin down why, she immediately changes the subject. I don't know if she's in love with him, but I do think she does care for him. However, I learned a long time ago that trying to go down the Theo road is a sure way to get Stiles to go into Closed-Off Slayer Mode, so I try not to push it. She seems so brittle lately that even Scott is leaving her alone.

So, we're not left with a lot of answers or options here. And the one person - Mason - who could potentially give us any information is not so forthcoming. Although, after I tried to kill him, I don't really blame him. Yeah, did I mention Mason is here with us? I ran into him while I was picking up some blood-bags for Theo and for a second, my vision went black and the dark spells - the ones that are still a part of me no matter what I've tried to do to purge them - flashed through my mind.

I know that Peter was the one who killed Cora, but it's not like he and his two buddies didn't spend all year encouraging one another and tormenting Stiles with their stupid gadgets and their magicks.

I didn't act on my rage, though. So, at least there's that. Instead, I calmed myself down and grabbed Mason by the scruff and dragged him to Stiles. The First has a seal in the new high school's basement that it's been trying to attempt to open - being incorporeal, I guess it needs help - and attempt number one was by getting Mason to kill his only friend left: Johnathan. When I heard that, for a split second, I felt a terrible burst of vindication... And then, I remembered that all Johnathan did was born from a place of deep insecurity and self-loathing and I realised that ultimately, I wasn't that different from him.

If I hadn't had met Stiles in high school, but still somehow found my way to magick, that could have been me standing on the outskirts, casting misguided spell after misguided spell, trying to find my way blindingly without Deucalion or Miss Calendar or Cora to help guide me.

But I did meet Stiles. And now, I need her help to beat this thing inside of me.

Stiles has gone off to investigate the seal - you'd think that turning the entire school into a pile of rubble would give us a free pass when it came to deciding who would host the new Hellmouth party, but nope!

Meanwhile, I'm going to do a locator spell to see if we can get a hit on where The First is hanging out these days.


	50. December 17, 2002

I didn't even get to finish the locator spell. The First showed up before I could start the incantation, inhabited my body and took hold of all of my power to lash out at Stiles. I couldn't control it - and with all that evil flowing through my veins, I didn't want to control it. I haven't felt that way since...

We know what The First wants now. Not too long after I did my best Exorcist impression, Deucalion showed up at our door with three strange young girls in tow. He told us that they were all Potential Slayers and that they were in danger of being eliminated now that First Evil has made it it's unholiest of unholy missions to eradicate the entire Slayer line of succession and then take over the Earth, starting with the Hellmouth. Its agent for doing so is called a "Turok-Han". And if the black-and-blue Stiles who came back last night after trying to fight one is any indication, they are nothing like the vampires that even Scott can dust and we are all so screwed, because you just know there has to be more than one of them.

I've never seen Stiles look so beaten or bruised for that matter. Sure, she's had a few serious injuries, like death, but even Adam didn't get her this bad and he was also almost impossible to fight physically even for a Slayer. She's been trying to stay optimistic for the Slayerette houseguests - and for Deucalion, but he's really more of an occasional houseguest who only shows up when things are super gloomy.

(That's not true. I show up for birthdays and Christmas. - Deucalion, 2003).

Stiles is determined to beat The First and it's super-caveman vampire pet and gave one of her cool speeches last night about it choking on her blood and her ripping hearts out and heads off, it was all very Terminator-y. I admit, I kind of zoned out towards the end of it, but that was only because I was still trying to get rid of the chalky aftertaste of evil in my mouth and soul. Also, before I zoned out, I was terrified, because if Stiles is serious about killing the First Evil, then I am gonna have to get over myself in time to help and forget that the most successful spell I've done since I stopped being evil is me almost gender-swapping a frigging minor!

She waited until the girls were sleeping to let us in on her plan. She wants to fight the Turok-Han in front of them so that she can build up moral and also gain their trust in her. After all, they don't know her for the hero that she really is like her friends do - hell, like the entire town does secretly.

She's going to let it attack her and then lead it to a place where she can trap and kill it. I'm supposed to do a spell that will slow it down to buy time and... Easier said than done. Given what a-holes these übervamps are, I know what kind of spell I need to use - but it's a dark one. It would be easier to tweak the paralysis spell I used when I went up against Jennifer to stop a forged-deep-in-the-earth kind of evil.

But it's not a simple locator spell or something from the natural magick kiddie pool I've been paddling around in since I came back from England. I'm worried. I just hope that I can pull away when it's time to.


	51. January 21, 2003

\-- Lia's Entry --

Stiles is taking the Junior Slayer team (yes, there's more of them now) out for a super special "Learn to be a Slayer" date with a freshly rescued Theo, so that they'll be prepared if another Turok-Han comes after us. They're all her little sidekicks after seeing her practically rip the last one's head off. Of course, it's not like tonight she asked me to come, though. I know I'm not an official Potential, but given how much mac and cheese I've been cooking lately for their pre-supernatural appetites, you'd think I'd at least get a pity invite. She even considered letting Mason go. She argued with him about it, but I could tell that if he had pressed it a little more, she might have caved.

But whatever. I'm fine with it. I'm fine here with Lydia and Mason, I guess. I beat Mason as some stupid video game, so I guess I'm a Potential Nerd, if nothing else. We've also been helping Lydia to do a locator spell for any soon-to-be Slayers. Lydia's coven said there's one right here in Sunnydale. I asked Lydia if I could do the writing things down part and she said no problem. I think she's a little distracted lately, I also think that one of the Potentials (Erica) is making moon-eyes at her and being all flirty. I don't know that I like Erica all that much, but I could be being biased on the account of her always waking me up early and literally eating everything in our kitchen. Also, I don't think there is anyone as perfect for Lydia as Cora was.

Lydia just asked me if I've been paying attention to the ingredients that she's been pulling out of her bag. I nodded, but I may have missed one. And anyway, even though Lydia doesn't like any of us reading this book (even though we all do because she let's us), I've seen her go to town on this thing for hours, so I'm just doing the real Witch thing. The same way as I've been helping a lot more with all the research and even helping the real Scooby Gang fight evil.

They don't think I know how to do any of what they do, but they forget I've spent "years" watching them all. Even if I've only technically existed for almost 3 years and the rest of those years are monk-sponsered, I'm still pretty much an expert. I could probably even do a better job at the whole slaying thing than those girls who keep showing up at our house.

I've watched them all training down in the basement and the other day, I think I saw Vi stake some shifty-looking laundry detergent instead of her actual big-enough target. And apart from Erica, they all seem to be nervous about anything little thing, whereas I've survived two whole apocalypses, including the one that I technically kinda caused. I mean, I didn't really have a say, though, so... Not my fault? Stiles says not, but I still don't really know.

Anyway, Lydia is telling me to write down the directions of the spell, because if it works, she'll put it in her book. I said, "It seems like you just kinda throw stuff into a fire and say a cute little poem." I tried to hold onto my smile, but she scalded me and told me she wants more detail than that... Oops.

(I knew you weren't paying attention. - Lydia, 2003).

Wouldn't it be cool if I was a Potential? I mean, also be really scary. I know that from watching my sister do it since she was just 15 years old. But then, I would finally have found another purpose, one that doesn't just peg me as some magical key that opens all the hell dimensions available to this universe and countless others.


	52. January 31, 2003

Lia isn't wrong - Erica has been making eyes at me. But next time, I'm going to be a little more specific about what the parameters are for writing guest spells.

There is a reason that I haven't been writing about Erica here. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't somewhat flattered by her take-no-prisoners flirting style. No one has ever persuaded me like that; my relationships have always happened gradually - so gradually, that sometimes, I didn't even know they were happening at all. And yet, Erica was like, "Hey, I know we practically just met, but I think you have very lickable freckles." She's the exact opposite of Cora and I should hate that, I should hate the entire situation. And I do. But there's also been a small part of me that says I should just let go, give in and go with it.

So, I went with it. I let a 18 year old woo me with her fruity umbrella drinks and her fruity kisses. What's worse is that I enjoyed it all way too much... At least, until we stopped kissing and realised that I had turned into Peter Fucking Mears! I turned into Cora's murderer...

I thought that it must have been my subconscious punishing me for being happy without Cora, but it turned out to be Kate messing with me. Bitch (or "bidca" - proving Scotty to be just another victim of a crappy Sunnydale High education) put a hex on me and that's also the reason my magick has been all over the place since coming back from England. The penance malediction was designed to latch onto the deepest, darkest thoughts that pass through my mind and to then inspire self-conflicted spells.

I turned into Peter, because I thought that kissing Erica meant that I was letting Cora go - and I could never... But I still feel like, but I also know that Cora wouldn't want me to feel guilty about getting close to another person now that she's gone forever. She wouldn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. She wasn't petty like that. She was perfect.

I really don't know what will happen with Erica. I don't even know if we will all still be alive by this time next week. But it does feel nice to know that Erica is looking out for me, either way. She was even able to nab some of Kate's papers before Kate poofed her way into our backyard. I also kept the spell Kate used on me, because who knows if she's still spidering her way around my subconscious? Kate is kind of a genius anyway. Always did very well in school and kept her head down. But now, she's like an evil genius or something. I think she may be turning into her mother... Or worse. I mean, she's also a massive bitch who will need another rat cage, if I ever see her again.


	53. February 18, 2003

So, we know the name of that which we are fighting. We know what it wants. But we still haven't found any way to defeat it.

I've gone over this book and countless of my other spell books, over and over again, trying to spot anything I might have missed or some spell that I could tweak or build on. But so far, there is absolutely nothing.

That's why I decided to share it. Selectively, of course - I don't really have any desire to let what's-her-name, who's always in the kitchen eating massive bowls of cereal in on how I almost destroyed the entire world that one time at band camp. But I swallowed my embarrassment and opened it up to the people I trust. I just had to be out of the room and out of the range of anything pointy when I saw them all reading it.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to get us anywhere, so the Stilinkski household has become Official Slayer Training Centre. You can't go two paces without bumping into someone or without hearing the sound of clanking weapons as the girls train constantly. Deucalion has been racking up the frequent-flier miles collecting new Potentials from all over the globe and Lia and I have been staying up until 3:A.M. getting researchy and brushing up on our rusty translation skills - which Lia actually has a talent for, even with fricking ancient texts (maybe she should become a Watcher). Mason has even found himself useful, programming our laptops and fixing our microwave oven.

And yet, it doesn't seem to be enough for Stiles. One of the girls took their own life the other night - Chloe, Goddess rest her soul - a victim of The First, slithering it's way into her head. Stiles, naturally, took it hard and this time she projected a bundle of Slayer rage outward towards us, telling us that we weren't doing enough to help her fight The First, that it was all her. Erica mouthed a defense, saying that Stiles wasn't even the most powerful person in the room while looking at me, but I quickly nipped that in the bud (even though a tiny voice at the very back of my mind whispered that Erica was right). But power is only power if you can use it, rather than let it use you. And it wasn't just because I thought I couldn't handle it, it's because I believe in my friend.

Stiles may be really intense when it comes to her Slaying gig, but she's never lost touch with what is right and she's never let herself be corrupted - even though Kira (and Derek when he was evil) tried so very hard to "turn her to the dark side." I thought that if we all laid low for a couple of hours, Stiles would go back to just being the only slightly unpredictable under stress version of herself that we know and love.

Instead, she dragged us all into watching a creepy mystical puppet show about the origins of the First Slayer and then, she jumped into a frigging magick book door. And now, we're all left with trying to figure out how to bring her back. And that's not even mentioning the demon we let into this world in "exchange" for passageway. Thank you, Stiles!

...It worked, though. But by "worked", you mean as long as I went Scary But Not Quite Evil Lydia and sucked a LITTLE bit of the life energy from my (sort of?) girlfriend without even asking if she's cool with it. I tried to apologise to Erica right afterward, but she seemed too unnerved by what happened to hear what I had to say. I think she's more shocked about what she saw than what I did to her...

I get it, though. I do. And yet, the fear on her face still stings deeply.

Later, Stiles confessed that she thinks she made a huge mistake while she was in Portal Land. Apparently, the ancient men who are also the first Watchers ever offered her the full source of which the Slayer power was taken from and she refused them, because she found out that it would make her less human... And by less human, I mean that the power of the Slayer was taken from one of the most powerful ancient demons that walked the earth in true form before mankind ever existed, before dinosaurs ever came along. Trust me, if you saw one of these things (which thankfully isn't possible in this dimension), the dinosaurs would look like playthings.

Anyway, it must be nice to be able to make that decision, to not have someone ask you to risk your humanity time and time again for a plan you don't even get to initial. I have to admit, I felt slightly angry. But I kept my mouth shut, because she's never let us down before. She's the Slayer and she calls the shots. I guess we have to trust her. Even if sometimes it feels like we're the ones making all the sacrifices.

(Deeply regretting this. She literally died for us. Twice. - 2003).


	54. February 26, 2003

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard Argent is supposed to be Caleb, the evil preacher guy in season 7 of Buffy. And obviously, he is no relation to the Argents.

Scott got hurt. Stiles decided that she and the Potentials needed to go after a new threat at some evil vineyard place, only half-cocked and totally research free and it turned out to be a trap. Gerard, the frocked bastard who was waiting there stuck his thumb into Scott's eye. Scott's been trying to put on a brave face - we both have - but we could barely even get through one round of joking at the hospital before I had to stop because of the tears. We've both faced serious injuries on the line of duty before, but never something so permanent. Never something I couldn't really heal with magick if I needed to.

The girls are mourning the deaths of three of their own. And they're scared of the Bad Guy Whack-a-mole game that we can't seem to stop playing. But instead of sitting down and trying to understand where we're all coming from, Stiles is still barking orders - that is, when Stiles is even present at all. She barely came by the hospital since Scott was injured and when she does, she just rattles off everything the doctor said and then, scampers off like an emotionally disconnected bunny.

We're trying to help her. And yet, somehow, when it comes time to make decisions, we don't have a voice and our team turns into a dictatorship. When our friends get injured - when our friends die - we're just supposed to say, "It's okay, Stiles. We know you tried your best. Some of us are broken and maimed, but I'm sure you'll get it right next time. Here, take my girlfriend into the line of fire. It's not like the last one was killed by someone who was aiming for you..."

That's not fair. I know it's not fair. It's just that the other day, Erica - who I just called my girlfriend, so I guess we're officially dating now - and I were having yet another argument about the rightness and goodness of doing whatever Stiles says and suddenly, I realised that I was just parroting my old part without really believing what I was saying.

Stiles asked Deucalion and me if we could work on getting more information on this Gerard character from the police. In all of the chaos caused by people fleeing Sunnydale, their computer systems are down and unhackable, so I have to use a spell. I'm going to do it, because we're facing another apocalypse, but it hasn't escaped my notice that this is delving back into the not-quite-kosher area of magick.


	55. March 1, 2003

Today, we all decided that Stiles should take a little breather from the apocalypse. You know, get some much-needed rest and come back with a cleaner head and more cooperative can-do spirit in the morning.

Oh, Goddess, it sounds just as lame in writing as it did when I tried to explain it to Theo and Mason after they got back from following up on a lead on the weapon Stiles thinks Gerard is trying to hide. And Theo really was not happy. He yelled at us about how ungrateful we are and then rushed off to find Stiles.

I think I messed up. I think we all messed up. It's just that Stiles calmly walked into the living room, stood in front of girls who had just lost a friend and man who had just lost an eye and told them that she was taking us all back to fight Gerard. Like it was no biggie. Like we were all just collateral damage, little pawns in her chess game that she alone has been deemed worthy to play.

When Erica challenged Stiles, I stepped in to defend her (as usual), but the words just wouldn't come this time.

It all spiraled out of control from there. The next thing I knew, Lia was telling Stiles that she had to leave the house if she couldn't get on board with this new democracy (which, I kind of agree with Amanda, would work better if run according to parliamentary procedure rather than by popular vote). It seems that the Potential Slayers don't have many former model U.N. members, however, because the equality was short-lived.

Now, we're all looking to Kira, who is a Slayer, too, sure, but of all people - and who has also successfully gotten a small group of the girls to kidnap one of the Bringers so that we can force him to talk to us.

Unfortunately, he has no tongue.

Lia, mentioned a Turkish spell that can help you speak with those who are, for whatever reason, unable to do so. It should be easy enough to do - I just wish that I felt this confident about the decision we made to do this all without Stiles.

#

● A spell to give voice to one who cannot speak.

(Good for when you kidnap someone with plans to smack him around for information, but find out he's mute as well as blind... Wow, that sounds really bad, like I'm planning to beat up a disabled person... Still, I don't see how we're gonna win this one.)

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- lobelia powder.  
\- bergamot powder.  
\- charcoal.  
\- censer.

Directions:  
1\. Hang a censer near the person you're hoping to make speak.  
2\. Light charcoal and let it burn until ash.  
3\. Add the lobelia and bergamot powders.  
4\. Mix and set to smolder.  
5\. As light smoke fills the room, recite the incantation.

Incantation:  
"Kendinizi çok uykulu hissetmeye bashliyorsunuz. Çok uykulu, çok uykulu. Gözlerinizin önünde sallamak için cep saatim yok ama, sizin de gözleriniz yok.  
Konusun bizimle."

Translation:  
"You are getting very sleepy.  
Very, very sleepy. I do not have a pocket watch, but then again, you do not have eyes. Speak to us."


	56. Sharing The Power

No surprise, but Stiles was right all along: Gerard was trying to hide a weapon from us. This morning, she went back to the vineyard to get it, alone. And while she was kicking preacher ass, Kira led the Potentials into a trap of waiting Turok-Hans.

No one is talking about what happened before, least of all, Stiles. But you can definitely feel a ripple of relief that's come from having her back in charge - even Kira was happy to wash her hands of leadership. All those years she spent being jealous and resentful and now, she finally knows what it's really like to have the weight of the world on her shoulders and fill Stiles shoes. Actually, I think we all have a new understanding and respect for Stiles. Because she was right, she may have her friends to help her, but it still doesn't take away the fact that she's the one making the hard choices.

For me, when Stiles handed me her new scythe-stake-bo-staff thingy and told me to get on with researching, it felt like an unspoken welcome back to the fold. And I never want her to be unfolded ever again.

We don't know much about the new weapon, only that Stiles knows it contains the essence of the Slayer's power and that it predates written history. She asked me if I thought I could tap into that magick and share it with every Potential Slayer on earth. That way, she (and Kira - because Stiles has always felt responsible for her, like some couple of weird big sister slash teacher student slash slightly sexual peas in a pod) will no longer have to be alone. So that "she alone" will no longer have to stop the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness - but instead, a fricking worldwide army!

With evil slavering at our door, there was nothing I could say other than that I'll definitely try. I'm absolutely terrified, though. I told Deucalion that I couldn't sense the scythe's power and I could tell right away that, at its heart, it's the same kind of dark and intoxicating magick that made me lose control once before. But split amongst a legion of Slayers, it will give them the strength; trapped in one selfish, insecure red head, it could burn her from the inside-out.

I've been scribbling up plans all night long. Erica says that she will be there with me the entire time to keep me grounded, which is sweet, but she doesn't really understand what I have to do. There are no ingredients, no charms, no supplies - there's only me. I need to find a way to tap into the scythe's power to absorb it and then use the energetic web that connects all of humanity to find the Slayers around the world.

At first, I was at a total loss when it came to what I could draw on as a guide, but then, it hit me.

The stars. The constellations.

Cora and I used to lie on our backs and look up at them sometimes, with me whispering their real names and her whispering back the names that she had made up for them as a child. The Big Pineapple, The Little Pineapple, Short Uncomfortable Man, Moose In A Sponge Bath, Little Pile Of Crackers. It will be like she is there with me, too.

And so, I write and reread my plans and diagrams, but the truth is that this isn't a test for which I can study. It's a weighing of my soul, a judgement of how far I've come. As all that power flows through my veins, I will have to decide to offer up everything I have for something that's bigger than me - willingly. There can be no ego. There can be no Old Lydia or Sidekick Lydia or New Lydia or Wiccan Lydia or Dark Veiny Lydia.

There just has to be a girl. One girl, in all of the world, who wants to change it so that her best friend doesn't have to fight alone anymore.


	57. Cora's Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...because YOU are magic.

Dear Lydia,

When I was little, my mother used to tell me the story of Cordia. While other little girls grew up with nursery rhymes and princesses, my mother would tell me stories of the godesses and witches whose names peppered the spells she would do in our kitchen when we were alone. As she plucked her herbs and pulled crystals from their hiding spots in the cupboards, I'd ask her to tell me about Aphrodite and Isis and Cora - my favourite - the Buddhist godess of many aspects, for whom she said I had been secretly named after.

But the story she told the most - and the only one that I hated - was the one about Cordia. She was a half demon queen whose lie was exposed when she bore her husband a demon child. She was good and sweet and kind, but as soon as her husband saw that she was not fully human, his love quickly soured.

Unable to bear the new look of hatred in his eyes, Cordia ran to the kingdom's witch and begged for a spell that would put things right again. The witch said that she would give Cordia the ability to hide her demon half side; however, in return, she would need to sacrifice her sight.

When Cordia returned to the castle that night, she was blind. I never understood how she could just lop off a part of herself so easily and I said so to my mother. Most of the time, she wouldn't answer and would just nudge me out of the door to go play. But one day, after she wasn't able to finish the story without getting tears in her eyes, my mother told me that when the women in my family turn twenty-one, their inner demon would emerge, but that it was okay; she had found a spell so that I would never need to go through what she went through after my father discovered that she was a witch.

I never thought that I would need to use it. I planned on spending my life alone, so being half-demon would never become an issue; after all, Cordia had been doing fine until the king came along.

But then, I met you, Lydia. And suddenly, I understood everything that Cordia had been so desperate not to lose. Because when you look at me... The whole universe and everything with it just falls away and I feel like anything is possible, feel like I can do anything.

I know that you sometimes feel like your power is the only thing that makes you special, but it really isn't. It's you, Lydia. It's your kindness and your loyalty to those you love and believe in wholly. - Even after I used Cordia's spell on you and your friends, you were all - YOU, especially - willing to forgive me and forget it ever even happened. So, I never needed the curse...

And because of that, I'm now giving the spell to you. (Lia is right; it doesn't feel right to just throw this type of stuff away). And I know now, that I can trust you with it, with magic, too. I see the way you've grown over these past few months and the way you've finally come back to yourself.

My sweet Lydia. You don't need spells or incantations or special charms, because YOU are magic.

I love you always,

Cora  
xoxo 

#

(After Sunndydale was destroyed and we were out of the woods on that big yellow school bus, I finally opened Cora's letter; I felt like I had finally earned it, like she would be proud of what I did for Stiles, what I did for the world; gave it an army of protectors instead of just one, like it had always been.  
I took my time reading this letter and after I finished crying my eyes out, I decided that this would be my last entry in this book. Snd so, it's fitting that Cora's spell will be the last spell, also. As we all start new chapters in our lives, it's important to remember that sometimes you don't need magick or super-strength or even a particularly good game plan to to just be loved. - Lydia, 2003).

&CORA'S SPELL&

::Cadria's Curse::  
(A spell to hide demons from one's sight).

Tools & Ingredients:  
\- eyebright.  
\- patchouli.  
\- yew.  
\- mortar & pestle.

Directions:  
1\. Grind all ingredients together until you have fine dust that is light enough to blow on air.  
2\. When you are near the person whose sight you wish to influence, say the incantation.  
3\. Upon the last word, blow dust towards target.

Incantation:  
"Blind Cordia, desolate queen, work my will upon her (or him or them), your curse upon her (or him or them), my obedience to you."


End file.
